zenith
I don't even know where to start...sometimes I wish I had an assistant that followed me around and wrote about my life for me. the more that happens the less I wanna write cause I know how long it's gonna take. I feel like I'm cheating myself if I leave anything out...but the amount of information I feel an obligation to include makes it impossible to really expound on any one thing adequately. it annoys me. the fact that I care annoys me. the length of this entry will annoy you...its probably the longest shit I've ever written on here. you can skip down to the bottom if all you want is a beans update.
so last week was enormously stressful for me and christopher...we're still tryin to play catch-up from all the family we had in town for the baby party/shower. it all started last thursday night when we gave our apartment the kind of cleaning it'd been pheenin for for months...I'm talkin lifting and moving items that arely get moved to sweep up embedded dust bunny type shit. I took three hours alone just mopping our two front rooms and actually enjoyed myself doing so...the nesting force was with me. it's dichotomous the way I feel about this apartment; at times I hate it (mostly because of issues that could quickly be resolved if our super wasn't a lazy fat bastard) but I enjoy it when it's actually cleaned up. I simply forget how much bigger this joint is then my old apartment...and its not until we laid down our brand new bamboo rug that I realized how nice it can look. christopher tapped out hours before I did; in reality I think I only slept from 5 - 6am.
I still managed to be late meeting my oldest niece mekia at laguardia airport later that afternoon...no excuse other then being mad tired - first I got on the bus going the opposite way in harlem, then I got off before the main terminal at the airport. mekia was none too happy about not being greeted properly, but she did alright...already had her suitcase from baggage claim and everything. all seemed forgiven when I let her play with my ipod on the way back to the bronx. the rest of friday afternoon was spent continuing to clean while at the same time trying to finish work for the j-o-b...they had me so swamped with last minute duties I lost track of time. so when we tried to go to the laundromat around the corner to wash our sheets and blankets I was blocked at the door. the shit don't close until 9pm but the last wash is at "siete"...which is all the cunt blocking my way would say when we tried to enter. "but its only 6:55 now". "siete". now luckily when I first moved to new york my father sent me every extra blanket in his house so we had back-ups for mekia and my brother, who was arriving later, to sleep on. lucky for the siete screaming laundromat cunts that is. and I guess it worked out anyway, because chad's acela train from DC was arriving at 8:55pm and had we started washing at 7 we probably wouldn't have made it down to penn station on time to meet him...not that it mattered as his train was an hour delayed but let's not be too technical. I had to bullshit my niece into believing we were meeting some made-up friend of mine because it was a surprise that her father was coming at all...I don't think they've seen each other in at least six months and as far as she knew he was stuck in DC for the weekend taking the police sergeant's exam. it wasn't a very hard secret to keep until her little 16 year old inquisitive ass started asking all kinds of questions...and although I am a trained actress I'm not a great liar, at least not to those I care about, so I kinda brushed her off a bit...she mos def knew something was amiss. I was nearly bursting to just tell her so she'd stop giving me the third degree when we finally spotted him and I saw it was all worth it...she was stunned and happy to see her dad and the feeling was mutual.
the afore made plan at this juncture was to go see sin city but frankly christopher and I were exhausted and not really up to it, especially considering his mom miss gloria along with his brother, sister, brother-in-law, and four nieces and nephews would be arriving the next morning from cleveland around the same time as my mom and her husband RJ from pittsburgh. so we just came straight back to the apartment, ordered some food, set up mekia on the couch, chad on the floor, and crashed hard on our sheet-less mattress. it was a really unsatisfying, restless sleep regardless for me, as is and will be every night until I can sleep on my belly again. christopher's peoples called around 6:30am to report that they had just drove into the new york area...about half an hour later when they reached the bx he left to meet them. I didn't see him again for hours...and in the meantime there was laundry to do, an apartment to finish cleaning, and my own mother to instruct - since I hadn't had time to rent a car friday evening as I'd originally planned, she and RJ were going to have to take a cab to the restaurant from their hotel. frankly I don't know what I would've done without my brother there to help out...I was too tired to function correctly and he totally took charge. he said I needed to let people do for me more, but ya know what, I'm just not used to that...pregnant or not, I never really have a moment to completely lean on someone else...if I don't take care of most shit its just not going to get done...so it felt momentarily great, that change of pace. laundry was done, folded, and put in it's place by 11am so I made sure at least my niece, who is maybe the only person I know that takes longer to get ready then I do, was showered and dressed before christopher brought his family over. once they arrived, all eight of them, the apartment was about as straightened up as it was going to get and I was in the shower...sobbing my eyes out, yo. between no sleep, cleaning, stressing about who had RSVP'd and then pulled out at the last moment without even calling, the horrible weather (practically a monsoon), and my aching body it was necessary to my sanity to get a good cry in before I had to put on the good hostess face. I seriously had a mini-breakdown, though...ironic considering how chad had just been lecturing me hours before about putting myself through unnecessary stress. I was wrapping it up when christopher came in the bathroom to check on me. I felt like I hadn't seen him in five years instead of five hours...and he had the same look on his face I must have had after he was forced to play tour guide around new york city for hours. we spent about twenty minutes in there with the steam and the shower running trying to calm each other down and hype each other up - reminding ourselves that although a few things had gone wrong thus far we needed to be grateful for everything that had gone right, namely the safe arrival of our families. it put it all in perspective and I began to shake the trepidation off.
by the time I finished my shower, I was cool again. I got dressed, greeted christopher's family with my pretty, cherubic hostess face, and was pleasantly surprised and relieved to see all eight of them, plus my brother and niece, lounged about quite comfortably - our apartment is definitely bigger then I thought. at 1pm, the time our party was due to start, my mom and RJ were just arriving to the restaurant in their cab, much to my relief (official hostess li was also running late due to the weather so I was comforted that at least my mom would be there to greet our punctual guests who arrived before we did namely my childhood friend genevieve and jess and jorrel)...but our group was still standing outside our apartment building debating on how to transport 12 people to dallas BBQ's on 72nd street. I took the initative and hailed a livery cab for a least some of us - me, my brother, my niece, christopher's niece christina and nephew tony jr. the remainder of the group hopped back in the van they drove to new york in and weren't far behind.
so the stress and the rain and our tardiness notwithstanding, our baby party was perfection. sweet beautiful loving perfection, son. so many people came, even people I didn't think would make it...folk from the far reaches of the tri-state area and then some...and everyone brought the cutest gifts. I've never actually been to a baby shower before, so it just somehow escaped me that everybody would bring presents...as far as I was concerned I just wanted to gather those topher and I got love for in celebration of our seed-making. and this may sound more faulty then I intend, but I really had no idea just how generous our friends could be...you expect family to drop some dividends, but our friends came out the pockets to spoil our daughter and although its not about money just the thought behind what they gave us really humbled me. lemme just say for the official fuckin record...baby clothes are mad cute...if you don't deal with babies a lot (me) you figure most of it is ruffles and cutesy dollbaby type fare...but we got some hip shit for beans. this sweatshirt for example from my stupendous homie sean who is always keeping me informed on new adidas kicks and his girlfriend jane...tell me that isn't dope...I'd wear it myself if they made it for grown folk. I'll probably end up purchasing this one too cause beans will be gangsterly like that. we also received photo albums, a lullaby player, bibs (one of which says "baby I'm a star" which my acting friends thought was so appropriate for my offspring), picture frames, books (including "where the wild things are" which was my favorite book when I was little), blankets, rubber duckies, money...okay I can't list everything, thats borderline tacky and braggadocious....but suffice it to say I appreciate my cipher...I know my seed is loved. it meant a lot to have my aforementioned oldest friend genevieve there, too, who I've known since kindergarten...as well as meredith, who has been friends with my parents since I was in diapers. I wrote down every single thing we received in detail (i.e. yellow jumper with embroidered bunny...everything seemed to have bunnies on it, it must be bunny season) so I can not only write out individual thank-you cards but also so we can send pictures to the gift-giver when beans is wearing or playing with their gift - I'm aware this is the sort of thing only a first-time mom would do...don't burst my bubble telling me how when I have #2 I won't even bother, haha.
so although it was a success, the only thing I wish could've gone differently about the baby party was getting to talk to everyone more. there were so many heads there; my attention was constantly divided between all of them. I had my college friends there, my family, christopher's family, people from work, former clients turned friends like blue...I just hope nobody felt neglected. it certainly didn't seem like it...everyone appeared to really enjoy the food; the restaurant even set genevieve and my friend thakira up with vegetarian tempura in place of chicken. so I'm glad we didn't go with the siddity italian restaurant we'd originally wanted to hold the party at...BBQs was much more our steez. and I'm sure our guests who hit up the bar and got one of their infamous xtra large cocktails didn't mind either. even christopher couldn't resist partaking...and I'm actually surprised his big brother waited as long as he did...what a bunch of lushes. when li announced that it was gift-opening time, christopher tried to slink away...but I made him open some presents too, tipsy or not. the males were representing at our party, so it wouldn't have made sense for me to have opened everything like a typical shower...shit, we wanted it to be equal opportunity...he just doesn't like being the center of attention. I adore it usually, but I was still feeling a little uncharacteristically shy...especially after the requisite "AWWWW" stuff started happening...you know how girls have to go "aww!" when they see something cute. there was a lot of that...even from me...and the dudes.
it was still pouring rain when it was time to leave, except it had gotten worse...all I could think about, past how hard it is to find a vacant yellow cab until you don't need one, was how all this fam was coming back to my apartment to mess up my freshly scrubbed hardwood floors. "jus' playin". I was more thinking about where everyone would sit...even with all the kids on the rug in front of the couch there were still a lot of adults to account for, the most important being my mom, RJ, and miss gloria cause they're not spring chickens. the rest of the evening ended up working itself out, though...besides my getting soaking wet closing my umbrella as I attempted to get in the front seat of the yellow cab we finally hailed...kat was tryin to bounce quick. my brother, mom, and RJ in the back screaming at him to stop driving as my pregnant ass is banging on the window was comedy gold, I'm sure, to anybody observing. after family was comfortable and accounted for in the crib complete with the kids playing soul caliber on my xbox topher and I finally got an opportunity to rent the car. despite some minimal drama about some "outer borough rate" (I live 10 minutes outside of manhattan and you gonna try to charge me an extra $55 a day? fuck you muchly) which was worked out eventually by this latin mami who must've recognized the "I am one more shitty thing away from killin niggas" look on my face. so although we ended up getting an even cheaper rate then was quoted on the i-net, I did hate driving in new york, though. muhfuckas cannot drive...don't even get me started on the livery cabs...you have to drive defensively and aggressively at every moment and at the risk of using this word again...shit's STRESSFUL. my sense of direction is fubar when it's dark outside to add insult to injury and it was raining, so I had to concentrate extra hard on avoiding the crazies. when we got back to our place, my mom and miss gloria were bonding in the kitchen, feeding the kids milk and powdered dougnuts...what a sight they were together...two yellow women, one just five feet tall (mine), the other nearly six feet tall (topher's). both of them are seasoned grandmas with five and four grandchildren respectively...but beans will be their first grandchild from their youngest children. they also both agreed that I would "definitely go into labor soon" since I had so much energy...they both nodded knowingly as I cut up a dougnut for christopher's nephew tyler and poured milk for the other three.
later my brother and I drove mama and RJ back to their hotel...I was hoping they'd be staying another day but snow was due later sunday in pittsburgh and they understandably didn't want to get caught flying into hazardous weather. I would've preferred having more alone time with my moms...the next time I see her I'll be a mom too. anyway, christopher's family left soon after chad and I got back...if you can believe it they drove back to cleveland...I felt real bad for miss gloria especially. she really wasn't feeling that option, but since they'd all waited so long to make definite plans they didn't find a hotel in time. I really don't know how christopher's brother-in-law managed two eight hour drives in one day...I don't know whether to call the reggin a soldier or crazy as shit. either way, it was a long day...the eternal, huge, all-encompassing day. when it was finally just me, topher, chad, and mekia again I felt satisfied reflecting on the remains of the day. for the first time in over 48 hours I really went to sleep sleep...christopher damn near comatose next to me.
since we had a car we'd planned on going to target sunday to wrap up buying items for the hospital and for beans and the apartment, but everyone was slow to get going...by the time the four of us were all clean and funky fresh dressed it was about time to get chad back to penn station to go home. I foolishly opted to drive him...first time I've ever driven in midtown manhattan...I'm not being funny when I say it probably took a full 12 months off my life. there is nothing on earth as putrid and filth-flarn as new york traffic. it would've been faster for us to just take the train...shit, it would've been faster to do summersaults there. and don't even get me started on the ride back up to the bronx after we dropped him off...it took well over an hour...and if she wasn't almost 17 I would've felt bad about all the scatological language I subjected mekia to while I navigated my way back to the highway. I'll seriously never drive in manhattan again...thats word...shitty mess does not even begin to describe. as if that wasn't enough, we couldn't find parking near our apartment once we finally got back to it...it had slipped me and topher's mind that it was opening night at yankee stadium that evening (we live a few blocks away). these yankee and red sox motherfucks, I tell ya...why they insist on driving to the bx to see these games instead of just getting on the train is way beyond my realm of understanding; there was nowhere legal to park. since christopher wanted to buy the wrestlemania pay-per-view, and it was already five past 7pm, I dropped him off at the front...and a full hour later I was still driving in circles within a ten block radius of my apartment trying to find somewhere to put the car. eventually mekia had to use the bathroom so I sent her upstairs too and just hit the hazard lights and sat. topher came back downstairs to see what was keeping me and we really had no choice but to just park illegal as hell. we moved it later after the game...thankfully with no ticket. but because murphy's law makes a bitch of us all, we still got a ticket the next morning for parking where we had during the one hour once a week they "clean the street". $45. don't get me started.
so at this point I am sick of writing. whatever. my niece went back to colorado on tuesday afternoon and I miss her already...she went to prom last night and I can't wait to see photos...she's so grown. I, on the other hand, spent the rest of the week sleeping and being frustrated my body no longer does anything but hurt and expel urine sixteen times an hour. everything just hurts; I can't believe I've only gained thirteen pounds this entire pregnancy...it feels like thirteen trillion. and since monday night I've been having some really severe braxton-hicks contractions...my stomach gets hard as a rock and its kinda painful...particularly when I've just eaten. sometimes it gets so hard I feel as if my lungs can't expand properly. what is up with crazy chicks who have kids back to back? how?
playing the waiting game is damn near the most horriblest thing in this world. you wouldn't know it by how much I've been procrastinating, but I am really getting impatient. all women go through this once they reach 40 weeks according to what I've heard and read...my due date is actually tomorrow. now it's not as if I really expected beans to come on her due date, I realize its rare...and even with dang near everyone else predicting I'd drop early I knew I'd be a little past due...but my obgyn made me kinda nervous with "amniotic fluid is a bit low" news yesterday. again, I realize this is not out of the ordinary; I have read enough and been schooled by enough mothers to know nothing I am feeling is rare including the worry I put myself through this afternoon when I didn't feel beans move for hours and hours, but I do not care. shit. I am anxious to see my daughter. when something you've been anticipating for 40 weeks finally arrives at it's d-day it's unbearable to continue to wait...maybe I'll forget this part like some women claim you forget the pain of labor but for the time being...GRRR, nigga.
yet I still haven't finished packing my hospital bag...yet I still haven't taken my nipple rings out...yet I still haven't picked out a "going home" outfit for beans. I really need to find a place to put all these clothes and toys away...those we purchased ourselves (actually not much considering other's generosity), stuff from the shower, and care packages that arrived independently from our registries and from my girl lexy who couldn't attend the shower due to a medical emergency with her auntie. so basically I can't wait, yet I am wasting time feeling sorry for myself for not being able to wait. either way, my doctor said if I make it to tuesday she'll probably induce depending on what the hospital sonogram says. soon soon soon.