yeyo
been a long time...I shouldn'ta left you...without some dope shit to...um...read to? whatever. guess what? I'm going to have a baby, I'm due in april...me and christopher have known for a couple months, as well as most of our fam and cipher, but it was kinda our news to ponder and worry about and very quickly come to embrace and be excited about until we entertained the praise or condemnation (which we haven't gotten any of, actually, not even from our parents who would've rather us be married first, but hey, it happens) from others. so I avoided writing about it, but I wanted to...I've already gone through so many physical and mental trials and tribulations - namely sickness...no need to prefix that with "morning" as it lasts all day and into the evening, a complete inability to control my emotions, peeing six hundred times a day, amongst other inconvenient first-trimesterisms - I'm quickly approaching three months. but I have this complex about having to write about one thing before I write about another, so I had to get this little announcement deal out the way so I can now write about sonograms and barf and falling asleep at work like a narcoleptic and my friends saying "what? YOU? are you serious? I can't even see it. do you even know how to hold a baby?" (I don't) and actually, physically, feeling like something is indeed there inside of me.
my father, whom I told first...whom departed completely from his M.O. and didn't freak out at all (well maybe a little), told me and christopher to make a baby registry online so he can start buying us certain items and being all grandpa-y. and you know what...strollers are mad ugly. sitting here trying to find a cute one and I realized there's no such a thing...they're bulky and unattractive. me and topher both thought, independently of each other, that a burberry plaid stroller would be kinda hot...but when we shared these thoughts with each other he said his was just a joke. well I wasn't joking. I'd take a burberry plaid stroller for my kid. and black baby clothes. my cousin said only I would wanna dress my baby in black...goth baby an shit...but I just think it'd be cute to see a butterscotch colored baby in a black jumper. traj already found a black baby blanket for me, too. doesn't that sound like some shit out a tim burton movie? I bet tim burton's kids had black baby bonnets.
part of the decision-making process I went through revolved around the state of me and christopher's relationship. was it strong enough, had we healed enough from what erupted a few months ago, would our constant need for attention from each other lead to problems once the child was born...yackity smackity...what I had to realize was that the life that was created deserved more of my energy then worrying about an abstract future. I would be devastated if we didn't last, but I'd live and I'd have something so precious to remember the good times by...I'd be a good mama regardless. fuck fear and maybes. and fuck anybody, respecfully, who thinks this ain't the right time...if it wasn't...wouldn't have happened the way it did. my parent's overhwhelmingly unexpected support (I'm a grown ass woman but I'm still their babygirl; I'm sure acknowledging that I indeed lost my virginity is hard enough for them to deal with) also eased my nerves...my mama was actually excited and said now was a better time then it was the first time I got pregnant at 19. she said it bothered her to this day that she helped me make the decision to terminate and this was the most high blessing me; a sign of forgiveness from...well she said god but I will leave it at the universe. christopher felt more confident in the situation, too, after he talked to his mom and sister. the way he started talking about being a father and touching my belly sealed the deal really.
so anyway...if you came here previously for tales of my strip club exploits and my penchant for cloves and rum, that shit is over...I can poison myself, but never my seed, so I've given up all my vices. "huny and the city" no more. well, there's still sex, though...because sex is great. sex saves and creates lives, niggas. this circumstance just proves that sex is substantially better when you're in love. put it like this...last time we got physical like olivia newton j we uh "loved" each other so much we broke our bed...and kept going...like...well fuck it. on the not so sexy side, though, is the fact that everyday is a fight with the barf. as soon as I wake up in the morning to the moment I lay down at night, I'm fighting the barf. sometimes, on the days where it just hangs there and doesn't want to expel itself, I think about just making myself throw-up so I can maybe feel better because when I know I have to and I can't it creates this headache inducing nausea not unlike car or sea sickness. the only time it goes away is when I'm eating...but I have to work up the nerve to actually eat which takes hours because the smell of the refrigerator both at work and at home nauseates me as well as smelling it heat up in the microwave or oven. the book my obgyn gave me says preggo women develop an extremely strong sense of smell...well my sense of smell was already godly so...you can't imagine the stenches that find their way up my nostrils now. the only thing I can stand to smell is christopher...cause I love the way he smells. I bury my head in his neck so I don't have to smell anything else at all.
everytime I think about the fact that there's something growing in me, something we made together, it makes me so effing emotional. and I'm already emotional, its basically gross. very un-hardcore. and we all know I'm sooooo hardcore, yo. I'm also about eleven weeks now...and I get weekly e-mail updates from babycenter.com to tell me what progress the fetus is making. at five it told me my kid's heart started beating...that was actually a really special day when I found that out. can you imagine it...two heartbeats inside of me. that is crazy deep. it makes me want to be an all around better person. it makes me feel like I'm vibrating with the earth an shit. at six weeks the e-mail said my kid was the size of a "lentil bean", at eight weeks it said "kidney bean"...so me, my dad, and christopher have taken to calling the kid "beans" as a nickname instead of "the kid" or "the fetus" or "the baby". it was hard writing thus far without typing beans...cause see, I had to explain it first. from here on in, just know, beans is the kid...unless I write refried beans in which case...I mean mexican food.
maybe if new york was still like this with all that deep seated hip hop culture and communionship, I'd more seriously consider raising the beans here, but it just ain't that way anymore, at least not to me. I've become a very jaded and indifferent new yorker who could really take it or leave it at this point. I got mad love for it here, the bronx in particular, but I am sick of the expense, sick of not having a car, sick of my friends living on long island and in jersey and mount vernon, yonkers, westchester - a.k.a too far to pay me the attention I need, especially now. I never even see my folk anymore, its like I'm a leper just cause I can't go drink or partake of the sticky...they treat me like I'm already showing and swollen and mom-ish, like they'll corrupt me with their un-pregnant-ness or I'll infect them with my fertility...shunning me like...I'ma republican or some shit. makes me kinda lonely. couldn't even imagine doing this alone like too many young black women are forced to do; as independent as I am I need someone to lean on. plus, its fun to take christopher to the obgyn...last time we went a couple weeks ago I got a sonogram and we saw the beans for the first time...moving around already! my doctor said the baby was bigger then she thought and I might be farther along then we originally predicted. we'll see next appointment though...we MIGHT even be able to find out the gender (have a feeling already its a girl though, yay, I can't wait to do her hair an shit, and make her ask christopher for things cause you know dads can't say no to their daughters, I am living proof of this)...
later today we're going to amtrak it to DC to spend the weekend. my dad and stepmother will be there too, on business. I can't wait to see my nieces and nephews...noah and isa turned 3 yesterday and I just wanna hug them and stare at them and listen to them talk (they weren't saying much in the way of english or anything even close to understandable last time I saw them) and marvel at how much they look like my brother, and beam at how tall and gorgeous asya and pilar are getting and all the other mushy shit that's become second nature to me. oh, and beat my brother relentlessly at "def jam: fight for new york", cause I finished the game and I'm just all flossy at it now...a digital streetfighting beast, really. when you play story mode you create your own dude so I made him look like what I think my nephews might look like twenty years from now...named him noahisa. I wish we could stay through monday since it's a holiday from work for me (we get holidays for everything up in this bitch, its wonderful) but christopher has to go back to work. I anxiously await the day we're both running shit from home offices again so we can pick up and go whenever we want...me, him, and the beans.