welcome departures
I've been on the brink of depression and utter restlessness for the past week and change; I guess a funeral will do that to you...it's been raining and I've caught a nasty cold too...so I haven't really seen or interacted with anyone too much since I've been back from florida with the exception of tara who came over monday so we could take some pictures. being with traj just reminded my soul that I miss his. plus I've been down missing christopher too...he works so much we don't get to talk as much as we'd like...plus he hates his job and I know he's unhappy there and the stress of being upper management affects his health and that makes me want something better for him. then a few nights ago my c drive had a minor crash so I was up with the sunrise retrieving everything with a recovery program. totally fucked up my sleeping pattern. took nyquil at like 4am this morning and it's just now kicking in so I'm flying high like the airforce presently, but nonetheless some shit is different today...I've had...an epiphany! I don't have to live like this.
tomorrow I'm calling a broker so I can make definitive plans to get the hell out of this apartment...it's time to reload my life...say peace to all of this agitation I've been experiencing...it's gotten to the point where I feel like a prisoner stuck in my hot ass apartment on this new problem per day computer making less money then my skills and experience really deserve...always playing catch up on my writing...my art goes neglected...putting my own life and business plans on hold to elevate client's businesses...this is not what's up at all. I'm way too damn young for the grey hairs that work stress and living half-dead bring...and yes I have one...right in the front, too.
ft. pierce, florida is a nice little small town...traj and I had to drive our rent-a-car about an hour and a half from the west palm beach airport to the hotel, but it was a nice balmy drive...the vegetation is so green there...and the rain smells like grass and oranges. and boy did it rain...almost everyday, although only for an hour or two at most...and it was that kind of rain that cleans the grey from the sky and the dirt from your skin. the hotel we stayed at had a pool so as we got familiar with US1, the highway our hotel and the funeral home was located on, I kept my eye out for stores I could hunt down a swimsuit in.
on thursday traj, his mama, and I went shopping for mr. jeffrey's funeral outfit...since he was a veteran traj wanted to find a naval uniform but we couldn't track down a proper store. so we went with a creme suit jacket, a white shirt, a black silk tie, and black pants...it actually came out quite nice. the day of the funeral, about half an hour before they closed the casket and began the service, a fedex package arrived at the funeral home for traj...it was all his father's military metals and ribbons. traj pinned them to his father's jacket in the proper formations...which I know was so hard for him...but mr. jeffrey looked so handsome and regal in that suit with his pins...american flag draped over the coffin...it ended up being a uniform of sorts anyway. I've never been much for fawning over soldiers but that shit made me so proud. I halfway expected traj to salute...seeing as he's ex-military himself...I've been watching too much CNN I guess.
since mr. jeffrey was a catholic, a catholic priest conducted the service...he was mad heartfelt. I don't usually feel catholic "sermons" where it counts, but what he said held a lot of meaning. traj sang "it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday" before he delivered a very fitting eulogy...I don't know how he got through it without crying...the way he handled the entire day amazed me...not to say he didn't shed his tears, he did...I know a part of him was angry in addition to being sad...but he had a lot of strength...I know his spirituality contributed greatly. not to mention he was concentrating on being strong for his mom...she told me she had to be strong for him. shit, I wanted to be strong for both of them but I kept my distance for most of the day so I could let them grieve in peace. the jeffreys don't like a whole lot of fuss and muss and dramatics...so I conducted myself accordingly...but I had my own private moment outside to mourn the man that could've been my father in law one day. I told him "I'll miss you, mr. jeffrey...I thank you for giving the world your only son...I thank you for trusting me with his heart while I had it...I'll never hurt him". he sent me a breeze in the sun to tell me he heard.
when we got to the cemetary, other veterans were waiting for us to do the gun salute, play taps, and fold the flag into a triangle...you know how they do at soldier's funerals. when everyone started to disperse, mr. jeffrey's ex-wife lovely introduced herself to me and said "bill told me about you; how pretty you were"...I smiled. felt good to know mr. jeffrey thought enough of me to tell others about me.
in any case, the whole experience was pretty emotional...I kept thinking about my grandma's funeral...it was mostly a blur but the ritual was similar...right down to them lowering the casket into the ground as the family threw flowers onto it. that's always the hardest part...if you're not prepared for it, the finality of it can make your heart explode in your chest...but traj handled it okay. I think he felt a bit of relief that it was all "over". I will not have the same cognizance when my father dies...lemme just say that now...damn I dread the day...I dread it I dread it I dread it.
it's funny...I thought being in florida would be miserable considering the circumstances, but I actually enjoyed myself immensely; it was very fulfilling...finally meeting traj's animated west indian family with their positively musical accents and refreshingly unamerican style...getting to spend time in the hotel's hot tub talking with mrs. jeffrey who I love like a second mama...driving around in the sunshine with my best friend. on saturday the whole family was out nearly the entire day visiting floridian (by way of antigua) family. this first house we went to almost made me wanna pack up and move there permanently...there was a swamp cutting its way through the backyard and trees so green they looked like paint or technicolor. while the women drank antiguan rum, laughed and reminisced about island memories on the patio and traj got into a deep talk with the man of the house, I nearly fell asleep on the couch...lulled to utter relaxation by the rain and the scenery...it was peace, yo. I'm mad I didn't take my camera along that day.
our second stop was mrs. jeffrey's godmother fernie's aunt and uncle's house (how you like that run-on)...they hugged and fed me like I was a part of the family. they were growing fruits and vegetables in the backyard - pineapples, ackee, mangoes...man whoever said city life was the be-all end-all was a fool. that shit practically made me wanna be a country housewife...baking pie in the evenings...picking fruit out of my own garden...making love under the huge southern sky...until I saw a massive discovery channel worthy bug on the ceiling...nigga just chillin. stop the banjoes...florida has huge damn insects.
nonetheless, it still hard to leave the sunshine, the forests, the small candy colored buildings, the freedom of driving, traj...as the plane left the airport we flew over the beach...the sand was almost snow white and the ocean water was turquoise...as we flew faster/farther it turned into an indigo so rich it made me wanna dip my finger in it just to see if I'd turn blue...it was absolutely gorgeous and I'm not even the big body of water type. three hours later, when we were about to land back in NY at laguardia, we flew over the water again...only this time it was brown...and ugly...thick with dirt and mud. *sigh* welcome to the wake-up call and the sting of my everyday life.
blah...at least when I get in a new apartment I can have a fresh start...I know exactly what I'm looking for in an apartment now. I'm a bit older a lot more focused...change is in order no matter how small.
I missed darni's birthday while I was in florida...I'm real sorry about that cause birthdays are good occassions to tell someone how much you love and appreciate them. darni...yea...all that mushy shit and more my big sister with the luscious afro and mind.
I've found such a good friend in kari lately; shes really keeping me sane...we come from the same planet, where people are emotional, love hard, write from the guts, scar easily (physically and emotionally) and have pouty lips and valley girl lilts.
why when I take nyquil does my asthma act up? it's like I can hardly breathe. naptime.