up
if you couldn't sleep for like...fourteen days of your life...it would seem like one big, huge, long and endless day. shit that occured would just melt into other shit that occured until it because a series of indistinguishable whatevers. I have gone through a vast array of differentiating emotions over the past two weeks or so, but I really don't super recall any of them. I filed through them so fast they were blurry anyway. I just simply don't sleep. technically I do...probably around 7, 8 hours per night...but my mind isn't at rest. I wake up fuckin exhausted...nine times out of ten with a painful headache that makes the back of my neck feel heavy. everyone around me is bothering me to see a doctor, particularly christopher and my cousin damon so I really intend on it. I've had my routine check-ups over the years to ensure the preservation of my sexual health (that's the pretty way of saying AIDS/STD tests), but as far as a physical goes, shit...it's been years...as it is, I'm still barely used to having health insurance again. last time I took my ass to the doctor, the emergency room in particular, was about two years ago...shit cost $400. ain't paid it yet. the health care industry is like the mafia; let's see how long it is until they hunt me down.
anyway...I've always loved to sleep but there was a time not too long ago where I really didn't need to...especially in college...I'd be up all hours of the night. when heads used to lecture me about my sleeping habits I'd say "I'll sleep when I'm dead". now that I ache for real sleep, and can't ever seem to get it, that reply seems positively prophetic. it goes hand in hand with how I make my life worth living, too...like...there are certain things I am sensitive about, that will make me snap. but I hardly ever wake up in the morning upset about anything from the day before...everyday is like a clean slate. so I just long deep inside to sleep so I can heal.
I'm aiight though...I actually feel good, mentally. instead of feeling weighed down and burdened by difficulties I feel challenged by them...and kinda empowered. I feel better about life in general when I get past them. I never wanna have to do it alone...I'm glad to be in love; it occassionally keeps me warm...I'm happy to be healing and constantly evolving within love...but if I ever found myself in solitude, I'd still be okay. I have a lot of heads in my life advising me, a lot of folk with their hearts in the right place, and even if they don't agree with the choices I make, it's nice to know reggins care. feel like I'm on some hippy shit today, but its all just so gravy and so croutons...just got a new outlook in general. I'ma start eating even better...I know I can do it cause we haven't ordered pizza or chinese food in like three weeks...we do groceries and cook now. I'ma start meditating again cause I feel myself being mean a lot...and I didn't even bother with being a bitch when I was deeply into zen...I've outgrown being bitchy, really. time for grown woman shit in more ways then one.
I been meaning to write for awhile...cause one statement in particular has just sat inside my brain for over a week now. intentions are for the present. explained and elaborated upon: you can have all the good intent you want...but that's all it is at the end of the day, just want...actions are what live into the future. you intend to do some shit in the present and nobody can tell you you're not going to put it into action...intentions are strong, living, breathing abstract ideals when they're made...but they die soon after all too often. lauryn hill says "the road to hell is paved in good intentions"...now I know I've referenced that lyric on here before because everytime I hear the song, that statement in particular means something different to me. I just feel like heads want to be "saved" by the sentiment behind what they intended to do...even me at times...but that's not my story no more no more no more no more.
next friday christopher and I are flying back to pennsylvania...this time to see my father's side. family reunion. I didn't go last year so I am anxious to see folk...I wish my brother was going to I could see my babies but he has to work...since the terror alert is up to orange they're not letting 5-0 off for any reason. so I am mad tryin to work out a way where my nieces at least could ride up with some of our other cousins from the DC/maryland area...I would just watch them all weekend, they're good girls. now the twins I don't know if I could deal with...but asya and pilar are angels. part of understanding me is meeting them...they were raised by the same dude that helped to raise me.
my friend lexy is moving to philly in a week and change; I'm throwing her a goodbye party tonight. first stop is a billiard hall, then a lounge to get some food, then the strip club...and I really hope her peoples come through with donations because I can in no way afford to keep her entertained all evening. in any case...and basically...I'ma go out and shake my breasts tonight cause I'm really really hot. and much needed shaking shall occur. and no, not on stage...in my chair and in my jeans. get your mind out the gutter.