untouchable
mtv2 is a good channel...some of the videos on there late at night are an aspiring filmmaker's dream...I seen this one video and all it was was like passing rural landscapes from a train window...the song had no words. that was the dopest shit...then again, apparently at 2am none of the songs have words...its like a late night instrumental-fest. how sad of me to be so used to lyrics that the absence of them holds my attention just a little less. tucker's father loaned me a CD book full of jazz music...I've decided thats all I'm gonna listen to during the daytime...I need more soul/tranquility/melody in my life right now. struggle/saddness/lonliness have been the most profound adventure yet but its time to change it up.
I kind of feel like I have a new start out here in the illadelph...like everything I've learned as a result of the wrong I've done can be applied here with a fresh outlook an shit. yea I'm lonely but thats an emotion the kid is quite familiar with. shit is so real right about now though...I can't seem to take a step without consulting my father first...dad, can I step here...at what angle should I step...at what velocity should I put my foot down? its like his natural tendency is to berate me for making my own decisions and trying to explore the world unafraid of making mistakes or slipping up. I'd rather fuck up now then fuck up when I'm 35 or some ish like that; I'd rather try and fail then not try at all...I refuse to spend my youth like my physical is glassware - I got too much faith in my strength to be afraid of taking chances when the most high gives them to me, yo.
I told my mama that over these past two and a half years I've been out of my own I have fully began to realize why my brother is sometimes reluctant to call home...theres only so many times someone can stand to have every miniscule movement they make overanalyzed..."I TOLD you this, you SHOULD NOT have that, DON'T this". man, this is my life, as cliche as that sounds, and its mine to "fuck up". thats along parallel lines of why that "if you buy drugs you fund terrorists" commercial iggs the shit out of me...not to condone drug use persay but I personally don't need my parents nor the government dictating what I should or shouldn't do with the life givin to me, certainly not after twentysome years on mi tierra.
I feel like this: if you think you did a good job raising me, trust me enough to do my fucking thing. I have a plan, and it may involve some unconventional means, but if I lose sight of it I'ma hate whoever forced my eyes away, thats word life...the dreams and goals nature gave to me aren't to be made lackluster or ridiculous cause just because heads don't necessarily understand my methods to attain them. point being, I haven't done anything to deserve my father's unrelenting disapproval; infact, I joined the track team cause he demanded it, went to howard university cause it was his alma mater, made the dean's list nearly every year of my scholastic career cause B's were NOT acceptable to a young...but dammit I'm grown now. my mindset can't be bought with reminders of 80 g's worth of education...I'd give all that so-called higher learning back and only keep every bad decision I've made...cause those bad decisions make the REAL shape of me...and I dig it.
its amazing how two and two click like magnets and chopsticks when I do the math, nahmean? heads do not seem to comprehend/overstand...lies catch up with you, always...you can do your dirt in the darkness but the sun'll come out to-morr-ow...annie speaks the truth, homie. I'm sure it gives weaker heads a sense of power when their falacy can incite others to negativity, but the energy you release into the air and atmosphere will return to you threefold, blessed be...but we've been down this road before. I just don't respect a mindstate that spends an abundance of time trying to epitomize something its clearly not...spitting borrowed words in a frantic effort to be a hard rock...trying to destroy those that are on a path of re-discovery and healing. if you're going to be bitchmade, revel in it, but don't be surprised when the people you obviously thought were too stupid to compare notes finally do so, and definitely don't play the victim like you ain't bring the pain upon your own terrordome. heads that play mindgames always get gamed in the end, particularly when trying to game someone in my cipher. I've started to call my peoples the untouchables...we see right through you, judas. we steady on beast-radar mode...now I'm not only "in [your] koolaid" but I've defacated all up in it. drink up.
well there are three shrimp tacos in the oven waiting for my mouth to make sweet love to them so uh...to the batcave! oh and the i-net isn't hooked up at the apartment yet, so I can't really say how often I'll be around in the next week, but keep checkin for me and holla at your girl.