under the weather
I don't feel I'm a complete person...I have a lot of issues both private and publically obvious that I always figured I would "solve" before I become a parent. there are a lot of things I thought I'd do before proverbially settling down, but truthfully I have done my fair share of wild oat sowing and shit...and I really didn't like it for more then a few months at a time...I'm a long-term relationship type of person. I've had three. hopefully this third one is the last one ever cause I don't have the energy to learn someone the way I've learned christopher, the way I learned traj, the way I learned latoria. and I damn fuck sure don't wanna let anymore people into my head...trust when I say it's not even nearly as cute as my face. there is so much that goes on inside my brain, such a disgustingly unnecessary amount of over-thought and procrastination.
I think christopher and I know each other too well sometimes...which, in part, comes from having a friendship that primarily revolved around talking for hours upon hours on the i-net or the phone for years before we even met. at one point in the last year before we could finally see each other real time in the flesh, physical, and feel skin, the anticipation got so unbearable I had to just stop talking to him altogether for awhile. this made everything all the more intense when we finally met...something I downplayed on my website because not only was I was dating another guy who voraciously read my website but also because traj was just about to move out and I didn't want him to feel as if he'd ever be out of site out of mind (to this day we have a fantastic friendship). but basically, I knew chris was the one the second he kissed me after he got off the airplane. and kiss me he did...before saying a word, nearly before I could get my lollipop out of my mouth, he kissed me and pulled me against him so hard I could barely breathe. there are a lot of things christopher and I have gone through over the past 4 years that I didn't fully write about and in retrospect it kinda pisses me off...that I was so concerned with other's feelings I put a bridle on my own self expression. or I was just being overly private. that's besides the point. what I'm getting at is this: because our relationship started so dramatically, where we had to make every second count for so long, cramming so much about ourselves into what felt like so little time, it's hard to find subsequent "peaks" now. obviously the realization that we created a baby was the hugest, highest peak ever, but during those valleys I get so frustrated. I mean, let's be real...my boyfriend is outrageously good-looking; sometimes I just stare at him. couple that with me being the unrealistic type who wants constant acme points instead of savoring the (for lack of a better word) down times - when else would we catch our breath?
yesterday was my first day back at work since last friday...I have decided that I must have bronchitis. I have asthma and get bronchitis a lot, or least I used to before I got pregnant - for awhile my immune system was stronger then it'd ever been, I figured my body was overcompensating for the new addition - but then over the weekend it all began to slowly but surely crash. friday was an extremely cold day. after work I went to see my friend riki; she's back in new york for a couple of weeks after moving back to dallas last year. she told me to meet her at a fair going on in union square which is like 5 minutes away from my job...and not the outside booths they have set up down there for christmas time, which are SO pretty (not pretty enough to stand around looking at in the cold), but inside a building across the street. they were selling handmade jewelry and scarves, natural hair and skincare products - all friends of riki's...I assume they graduated pratt with her like most of the other people she keeps in touch with out here...real earthy group, all incense, headwraps, dredlocs. it was the first time I got to see riki's daughter denim in person...and words cannot describe the outlandish adorable-ness of this five month year old butterball. as it goes with all babies, it took her awhile to warm up, but about forty minutes after I got there she was contently throwing up breast milk on my shoulder and laughing about it in that baby way that makes their throw up tolerable. not too long after that christopher arrived and held denim for a bit...and I of course watched him like a hawk to see how comfortable he was holding a baby and how she responded to him...riki read my mind and told him "better get used to that" and he didn't look too petrified at all. infact, he looked happy and cooed at her and and made her smile even with his bone chillingly cold hands. score.
so after they closed their neo-soul fair down, a small group of us went to dinner...and this is where I got sick. did I mention how cold it was on friday? real cold...and for some reason all these headwrap wearing muhfuckas wanted to walk all around lower manhattan all leisurely trying to find a sufficient restaurant, particularly after the vegetarian spot riki had her heart set on was too crowded. it felt like we walked for years to another spot riki liked but it was worth it...really cozy and the food was inexpensive and all kinds of tasty. riki's friend ivy took care of denim nearly the entire outing, which gave riki time to catch up with folk. I originally met her a couple years ago in bartending school...were were like eva and anne on antm, clicked immediately because we were both around the same age (she's a year younger), both had bachelor of fine arts degrees, both determined to get the highest score in the class (I ended up beating her), both into hip hop, so on so forth...we got cool so quickly heads in the class thought we were sisters. and now we're both moms. well, she beat me to that, but I'm almost a mom. I wish she still lived here, I loveth and miss her positivity very much. she said christopher was a cutie...I agreed...she gave me dap for getting a boy with good genes.
one thing I did notice though, while we were out and about, is how people look at you when you're pushing a baby stroller, particularly when you walk into a crowded trendy restaurant with one. some heads actually give you the gasface like you don't belong...as if to say "oh great, I give it 5 minutes before that brat starts screaming"...like you either have to leave your baby behind everytime you go somewhere or you have to be a hermit and not go anywhere at all. sometimes it's warranted; babies don't belong everywhere, in this case it really wasn't...the place was hardly quiet and denim is old enough that she doesn't cry often. anyway, it matters not...when I was holding denim at the table she was so quiet, so chubby, and so pretty...and I guess she likes turkey burgers cause once she smelled it on my hands she started trying to eat them. I don't know how any chick 25 and over can avoid hearing the thundering tick-tock of a biological clock once a baby licks your fingers its so fucking adorable. tell you what though...she can cry louder then any baby in existance...it's eardrum piercing...something to look forward to.
by the time christopher and I got off the train around the crib I knew I'd caught a little something. I had no idea it would turn into this coughing, weezing, snotfest, though...if I did I wouldn't have gone back out in the cold the next night to see the movie "closer"- preceded by a trip to cold stone creamery in times square for an oreo sundae thing which pretty much made it worse. add to that my twisting my ankle something fiercely painful while trying to get to our seats in the theatre and you have my evening...although the movie was brilliant. sad and funny and truthful...the things people go through to chase an ideal that doesn't exist...its the pathos that exists in every human love relationship...just heartbreakingly luscious in it's melancholy. there's a masterfully written scene that takes place between natalie portman and clive owen that is soooo gritty and erotic...they should've called the movie "beautiful and selfish white people". or "fuck" considering it's said at least 100 times...everyone has potty mouths...its not sappy and it's far from a chick flick. don't go see it expecting to experience a great love story...expect to leave feeling jaded and fucked with. I like movies like that, though. I don't need explosions or heroes to enjoy a movie going experience, just quotables like "it tastes like yours, only sweeter".
so that about brings us up to date. I'm sick as hell, my ankle is still swollen, I want to go home and sleep. oh, but the good thing is that beans kicks now, I can feel the little fluttery kicks all the time...s/he is like my buddy reminding me I'm never alone. it started on november 24th and I've felt it everyday since then. so many memorable things are goin on right now; I just wish I could write more often...I'm aiming to get a sidekick II out of somebody for christmas, not sure who yet...so I can write on the train and the bus and whenever else the moment hits me.
what's a good secret santa gift? the infamous office christmas party is next friday.