trinity
last night I cried, tossed and turned...woke up with dry eyes...my mind was racing, feet were pacing...lord help me, please tell me what I have gotten into... - vivian green
I am not a player...I don't have a player mentality...I'm no p-i-m-p...and not cause I couldn't be...but cause it just ain't in me. I'm not in the business of fuckin with heads hearts and domepieces...I'm too into karma to slip into that mentality. so this dating two, three heads at one time thing has to come to an end pretty soon here...not only because I was on the rebound and now I am over it, but also because there are very deep feelings about one person inparticular coming into play. after three years of i-net flirting and phone boning...arguments, hatred, subliminal blogging, love we hesitated to call love cause we'd never met, other significant others, and back again I finally...finally...met christopher "headshotz.org/6-21.net/mindfucker" richards. more on that in a bit.
bashir was back in NY on saturday so he could spend his birthday with me. even though we had some issues with the lodging, we figured it out and had a really special day/evening...went back to burrito loco...I'm still thinking about their black bean soup...soo damn good...if they had sopapillas that would be the official jump-off spot. while we were waiting for drinks bashir said he expected me to call him after christopher's visit to tell him things had changed...truthfully things had in a way but I didn't want to have that conversation on his birthday...so we just enjoyed each other's company. well, actually we argued a little sumthin but we momentarily squashed it in the interest of him enjoying the day. bashir and I are just cut different as beautiful as he makes me feel...he never could comprehend how I could be emotionally involved with more than one person...and I couldn't comprehend why it was such a problem...I AM young and single...I thought this was what I was expected to do, yo. but truthfully...christopher made my mentals do a 180 in this regard. I really only spent the day with bashir because it was his birthday and it was plans a long time in the making...not that hanging out with him is a burden...my heart just really wasn't in it after meeting christopher. if I could clone myself and make another me that was "right" for bashir, I'd do it, cause I do believe he genuinely cares about me...I just don't want from him what he wants from me. I never have, especially now that I feel pulled in another direction so unexpectedly...
since traj and I broke up I've been trying to find out who I am without that other head there to depend on. truth is, I don't feel like depending on anybody...I'm not with the level of dependency that romantic relationships call for...because eventually, after I depend on someone else to help me, it turns into almost a submissive role on my part. they tell me what to do and even if I don't wanna do it I end up doing it anyway to avoid disappointing that other...that shit is for the birds really...it makes me feel weak and if there is any word that is the antithesis of me, its weak. unstable, fo sho...but weakness is not an option.
right now I feel like I'm suffocating a little more everyday, yo...yea, thats a dramatic choice of verb but who cares...its the only way I can think to put it. I want love so much but I'm so afraid of that shit, and moreso so emotionally unready for the intensity of it...which brings me to christopher...
his flight from cleveland was supposed to get in at 11:09pm wednesday night but there was some kind of delay once they landed so the plane didn't reach the gate until nearly midnight...I was nervous nervous nervous...I practically tortured myself the entire day thinking about it. the anxiety was paramount over everything else...I'd know kid for so long...been through so many breakups and makeups. him waiting for me to become available and vice-versa...maddness...how do you physically miss someone you've never felt physically? I kept looking at my reflection in the window to make sure I was lookin right...haha I shouldn't even admit that shit but fuck it. first impressions are lasting.
would it be utterly too much for me to say hes even more amazingly fine in person? my breathe literally caught in my throat when I finally got a glimpse of him walking up with airport concourse...damn, so fine, so fine...pictures could really not do this kid justice. he was looking at me so intently too...like he was making a beeline for me, which made me all the more nervous. finally he was there, just a few steps in front of me, so I took the lollipop out of my mouth (shut up, I wasn't even trying to be subliminal, I just wanted my breath to smell like candy) and went to hug him. but before I could even say hello he kissed me. his lips were so soft, yo...fucking a!! and he smelled good, like fuckin intoxicating. we said hello after the kiss and smiled at each other...it was surreal. we spent the entire night talking...yes heads still do that in lieu of making the beast with two backs...I've found over the past couple months that some things are worth waiting for.
after we got his bag we took a cab down to his hotel in manhattan...it was a perfect new york moment. "quiet storm" by mobb deep was on the radio...the east river was the backdrop...we kept looking at each other, looking away, pretending like we weren't starting at each other from the corner of our eyelids...it was deep. deep like desert canyons.
the next morning I went to see matrix reloaded with traj while christopher went to see x-men 2...we got inside a full hour and a half before the movie began. I didn't think it'd be packed at 11:30am, but shame on me for underestimating the pull all the hype for this movie generated. while I was waiting for the theatre manager to straighten out my ticket mishap (everyfuckingtime I pre-order tickets one of them gets stuck in the wack ass dispenser) two 10:55am shows sold out. but it was all worth it cause damn reloaded was the shit biscuits...such a different vibe then the first movie, though, which turned me off a bit at first...but I found so many parallels in it to my own mindstate right now. obviously not on a literal level...purely metaphorical...thats the beautiful thing about the matrix movies; they can function on different levels depending on who you are and what you believe...or they can just be on some dope kung-fu shit. but the fate/destiny aspect had my mind doing overtime...the function of choices...chris and I could've waited until the end of june to see each other as was originally planned but circumstances just so happened to meet us up now...and its like it was supposed to work that way. we could've gotten together a long time ago instead of beefin so much and fuckin with each other's hearts constantly, but all of that contributed to the intensity of this visit...so it fell into place as beautifully as a ballet. "you've made a believer out of me"...
after the movies chris and I met up again and went down to the village...window shopped a little, drank a little, he helped me pick out a cute tube top for me to wear to the movie later that night...we talked in multitudes again, got tipsy at uno's...probably stared at each other a lot. I felt like a teenager, yo...like this was my first love...like I'd never been touched before he touched me. we just barely met kyedi and tashia on time to grab a quick dinner at applebee's before seeing reloaded again...man, it was even better the second time because I could then analyze details instead of ooh-ing and ahh-ing at the mad hot fight scenes and car chases...thus rendering me a full-on matrix nerd...I'm a matrix nerd like my brother was a star wars nerd in the late 70's...I am okay with admitting that. I'm also okay admitting it was hard to concentrate with chris sitting next to me. are you ready to heave up your lunch yet? no? how about if I reiterate how amazing he smells...? damn I couldn't have predicted this, yo...its like there was calm, then a volcano shooting a blaze into the sky. I was intensely happy in that movie theatre...I liked that heads might mistake us for a couple...I liked that even though we'd both been anticipating this movie for years, we kept looking at each other in lieu of the screen.
heres the thing...it took me years to overstand that not everyone is going to be on the level you want them to be on...to expect it is ego. I let my pride get in the way while chris was in a relationship and I wasn't...although I didn't end mine when he wanted me to previously, either. it was ego and tunnel vision. the fact of the matter is you just have to wait shit out sometimes...and trust that everything will align if thats whats in the proverbial stars. all I can do is listen to my soul; it never fails me and its the only thing I trust. its gotten to the point where I've felt I should censor myself...thats where the suffocation comes in...I have to worry about other heads' feelings therefore mine lose priority...its a balancing act. I know what my heart wants but it upsets me greatly; that part I couldn't predict...in the end I'd rather hurt then hurt anybody else, which is probably why I continue to accept more suitors as it were, but at this point its inevitable. I know what direction I'm going in...and I've spent years ignoring the great big arrow pointing me toward it...