the craft
tomorrow I am starting an eating plan that, if I follow it strictly, will speed up my metabolism. kari has already lost like fifteen pounds in like three weeks...shes doing this office pool thing and if she loses the most out of everyone in six weeks she'll win like over two grand. I don't have that kind of motivation to push me, but I do wanna be in better shape. I think I wanna lose like twenty pounds...but I don't wanna lose any of my ass, not a pound. or my thighs. I just wanna flatten my tummy and firm up everywhere...I like being thick. being skinny is not the goal...I am already proportionate and curvy...I just wanna feel more comfortable in my own skin. living the seditary lifestyle of a web designer has made me slovenly as hell. there is a really bangin bitch underneath this baby fat I am tellin you, yo.
so a couple days ago I made one last trip to baskin robbins so I could get a cookies and cream milkshake...when I was riding home on the bus these high school boys started singing it as they passed me...ya know, the kelis song..."my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours...damn right it's better than yours..." mmm milkshake. I'ma miss them. and chinese food too...and seasoned curly fries at the magic johnson movie theatre in harlem...and turkey burgers...
yo they are playing linkin park on hot97 right now, whaaat?! I had to make sure I was on the right station...they need to play some shit from the remix album, thats got the boom bap...
the wind was blowing mad hard in new york today...it was the sort of day you don't even leave the house. but my ass made plans to go see kill bill again, so out into the cold I went. it was worth it though just to see my friend marc...I haven't seen him since earlier in the summer...he lives all the way past jamaica, queens so considering he has class at 8:40am tomorrow morning I appreciated him coming all the way to manhattan just to kick it with the kid. we were talkin shit about people as they came in to sit down...actually it was just me, cause I'm petty like that, and he was laughing...this big group of college students came in with all the loud fanfare college people seem they have to make when they're rollin with a pack and I immediately pinpointed them as drama nerds...I was one, I know how they look and act and geek out. they couldn't have been more then freshman...I was like "swear to god if these motherfuckers talk the whole way through..." you know how drama nerds get; they're fanboys and fangirls, film geeks...they gotta comment on shit so everyone around them knows they "get it". but they kept it minimum. kill bill's not really the type of movie that allows you to get a word in edgewise...too much to look at and listen to.
so I like to watch people...I had plenty of time to do so making the trip to manhattan for the movie. I watched them get on the subway...rush through times square in a hurry with their characteristically new yorkian tunnel vision to get home after the work day...wait outside of movie theatres and then greet whoever it is they were waiting for...watched their expressions. character study. just observing their gestures and their body language...all actors do it, at least the good ones, even if it's subconscious. I didn't get into yale drama school because the woman that conducted my audition said the skill was there but the living wasn't. wasn't quite sure what she meant at the time, but now, years later, its clear to me...there wasn't experience behind the words I spoke...very little life experience to squeeze from. I consider myself a method actor...I don't want to pretend to feel a certain way, I want to draw from what I've been through and seen and really feel that shit. I find a perverse comfort in being someone else...losing myself in another life.
sometimes I feel stupid talking about being an actor when it's been so long since I actually did any real acting work...but it's what I'm really good at, it's where my passion is...I wanna make movies and breathe life into characters and tell stories...I want to pump blood through screenplays. I'm an auteur in the making...man, I have so much shit in my head, I just wanna get it out and I get clausterphobic when I think too hard about what I'ma have to go through to make all my dreams happen. did you know quentin tarantino was thirty when reservoir dogs, the movie that really put him on the proverbial map, was made? and here I am in my twenties feeling like it's too late for me...I spaz. I have a game plan...but I panic.
my sleeping schedule is horrendous...usually 5am - 2pm these days. I'm such a busy body I can't go to sleep until I'm completely exhausted, like on the edge of passing out exhausted...whenever christopher moves to new york he is gonna have to whip me into shape...that sounded kinky right...but yes...whip me.