pendulum
I've come to the conclusion that it's hard to be me. I'm a sopping wet, sticky sponge of emotion on the regular. but lately...nothing. can't cry, even when I feel it behind my eyes and in my belly...no tears. well, maybe A tear, but not a real cry; the kind that keeps me sane and empties out all the anger or pain that permeates me so easily. I'm 'I'll fucking destroy your life just to watch you suffer' coldblooded right now as everytime remorse or sorrow creeps from behind wherever it hides inside of me somethin stronger says "no". bang bang. utterly haunted. my body is a thing to behold...the way it protects itself...like a porcupine prick.
is it bad to want to torture someone you love? torture in all sorts of ways fit for quentin tarantino movies and 70's pornography soundtracks. torture them until their heart swells and explodes in their chest, covering their insides with broken heart shards. torture them until their soul cums. "and one day you will ache like I ache"...courtney love - the poet.
I've been waiting for somethin to break on through so I can start writing poetry again in a deluge of inspiration, but nothing ever does and now I'm even worse off. dulled. I need a long fucking vacation. I have two weeks paid vacation through the j-o-b; however, I have to get three months under my proverbial silver studded belt before that kicks in. and where would I go? all I can really think is las vegas...balmy hot air that never really makes you sweat, debauchery like vanilla milkshakes (normal, that is), miles of swimming pools and showgirls...I think I could write there. and think. away from the sooty snobbery of new york city.
you know whats dreadfully interesting...or maybe not to you...but to ME it is...my friendships with a few heads in my life have never really reached an apex because they're intimidated by me...like they can't really open up cause they think I'm so thorough I won't overstand...and I can't open up to them because they either become too disappointed I'm not the epitome of perfection they thought or they give cookie-cutter advice and/or responses to avoid sounding what they feel I'll deem stupid. others have rejected me because of my netfame which I reckon is skin to "going commercial" to some fools...i-net folk I have let into my cipher that is. heads have straight up abandoned my friendship like I'm talib kweli doing a coke commercial, like you're only worthy of continuing to be paid attention to as long as you're on livejournal or blogspot. now I don't talk to much about i-net shit on here, mainly because I hate when reggins do that, but it annoys me to no end. like it's too trendy to be my homie or even link me.
^ I don't even know where I was going with that last paragraph, I didn't word it right. I actually wrote everything you just read up until this paragraph a little over a week ago. basically, as far as that last chunk is concerned, I don't care...if one person a day visited my shit I wouldn't care...I'm past that, bigger then that, too infamous to sweat the haterade. i-net shit doesn't even bother me anymore; its like throwing cotton balls at a brick wall. it was more about the friendship aspect, really. I always say it's mad easy to be my friend...so those that fail at it, I just dismiss them utterly, think on them naught, especially those that would smile in my face and oh, say...covet my boyfriend. but there are a couple in there that I am genuinely hurt about, befuddled even, because I did nothing at all wrong. one recently I'm sure will be resolved sometime or another but I still feel like if I open myself up and give you all I got and I've allowed you to know my character to the point where I become vulnerable - just watch what you say. don't ever make me regret, for even a moment, opening myself up or allowing you to be privy to information I shared in confidence...don't use it against me to prove your point; I'm the type of person that takes those sort of things double hard because it's so tough to crack my outer shell.
all of this sounds like I'm bitter or sad, but really I'm not, I've actually been having a good couple of weeks. a lot of healing has taken place in my personal life, like...I just left stuff, as cliche' as it sounds, in the hands of the most high. my capacity for forgiveness is so much larger then I thought. shit is an uphill struggle, but it builds character an shit.
I took christopher out to eat monday night for his birthday. we went out friday night too, but that was like the prelude...I enjoyed his company like all weekend...moreso then I have the entire time we've lived together. I can't remember doing anything worth noting past that, though, although I do feel like a lot has happened in general since the last time I wrote...but it's been more inside of me then actual events. I have gone from insanely angry and hurt, all the despair fit for an edgar allen poe piece to deliriously content and satisfied...and while that might sound like business as usual to anyone that knows me, it was more vibrant then that to me. emotion on another level.
heres good news. my cousin DY told me our other cousin DY, david young, might get drafted into the nba tomorrow night...very exciting! I'm proud of him...if he gets drafted I will write an entire entry about how he was as a kid to potentially embarass him. anyway. go here, here, or here to read more.
(oh...and how weird or poignant or meaningful or glitch-y is it that moveable type numbered this entry 1 all of a sudden?)