ok so
"all I've ever really had was me...I have been through shit much more hurtful then any of this, much more damaging"...I wrote that on 18 july 2000...the more things change the more they stay the same.
I don't even recognize who I was three years ago; I read what I wrote back then and I might as well be reading the words of a stranger...I don't recall writing it at all...yet I still feel the exact same way.
I obviously took always being able to write exactly what was on my mind at any given moment for granted. despite these 3, 4 week breaks in my posts, I don't seriously think I have writer's block...that happens when you sit down to write, plan out a time for it and everything, and nothing comes. that's not my problem...I can write...I just don't feel like anything that comes out is any good. I lose focus...I write in rambling, confused blocks and don't feel like proofreading it. I don't ever wanna read it again...its too imperfect to read. mediocre shit.
plus, how many different ways can I find to write the same thing? I need a thesaurus that works for entire paragraphs instead of just words.
it goes like this, again: I'm tired of being alone, tired of the silence...sick to physical incapacitation of watching everything around me fall apart from the negligence that comes with being so dissatisfied neglection can't make shit any worse...nobody is here to motivate me. and I've discovered, in only four short months, that I need that. everything is vapid and boring...I don't even feel like eating. I've never been so lonely in my entire life. its like this loneliness that seeps into my skin and infects my blood stream and soaks into my bones. its like this loneliness that makes me write corny teenage suicide letter shit like that instead of blazingly witty observations on my life as a good journalist/weblogger should.
I've stopped holding my breath for what's going to happen between me and christopher... even though it seemingly means putting countless stuff before me, he's gotta live his life...but I can't put mine on hold waiting to see what he's going to do. this whole "one day" thing just isn't for me...a lot of shit is gonna happen "one day"...that doesn't mean I should hang it up and live in suspended animation until one day is here. I mean, nothing beautiful comes without sacrifice...but thats something you learn after doing it the wrong way...the wrong way for me, at this time, is holding on to a projected ideal that just ain't mine to hold. I love spending time with him, that won't change...and I can lose entire hours just thinking about how it feels when he touches me...but seeing him once every 6 - 8 weeks for 4, 5 days...it can't be more than what it is right now as long as that's the situation. if I invest anymore of myself into it, I'll be the one coming out the other end of the rabbit hole really jaded and hurting...and I'm not tryin to fight with him anymore...we've done enough beefin prior to even meeting that can last for years to come.
I've been thinking a lot about traj lately too...as we've both begun to move on its like staring truth in the face...we're are truly just friends now. not to say the love is gone; that just won't happen...he's my best friend and still overstands me more than anybody in existance...but we finally said the words out loud: the romantic "us" is over. I mean, we knew it...we haven't been a couple for a year and a half...but the actual words were never said...I guess because we were afraid of hurting the other. I don't like to think of it as losing anything, though...he belongs in my life...we've just evolved to true blue companions. we work so well together, though...it's crazy how the love can be there but the passion can be gone. it seems like someone is so right for you but something is just missing and after awhile you have to come to terms with the fact that there's probably a reason for it.
so I look at it like this...traj and I could either drive each other mad forcing a relationship yet again or we could just see what else is out there. cause if I'm not the one for him, I honestly want him to find whoever she is. if she's good enough for him, I wouldn't even be sad. I'd just hope she'd get his love for ice cream (he needs his calcium) and southpark (cartman is his favorite) and not bother him when he has his headphones on (he's workin on a beat), and listen when he starts ranting about the state of the world (he says some good shit), and lay down with him when he's going to sleep even if you're in the middle of working (he falls asleep fast)...
see, shit like that...that comes from spending years with somebody. I'd like to know that me and christopher could build something on the same parallel level...but I can't force it...and I won't.
ok...change in subject...here's something not so slit your wrist-ish: I went out on friday, as per usual, but not to a strip club. I went to a lounge/dance club type thing with kyedi and james after hanging around friday's for awhile making nice with the new bartendar there, this white guy andrew who looked like he missed his true calling as a WWE wrestler. I have a good time dancing...I don't care about how I look or who is checkin my ass out when I do the beyonce booty hop and the shakira shimmy, I just halfway clothes my eyes and let the dj make love to my aural orifices with beats. I didn't get home until nearly 6am but it was worth it...it had gotten to the point where even going out was mundane.
when we were waiting for the train back home, though, kyedi and james got in a huge fight...shouting at each other...and you know how that shit echoes in an empty train station...oh my lord it was mad funny though; they were snappin on each other hard like the fate of all humanity was dependent on them completely decimating each other's pride and ego...complete with all the fuck you, you fat bitches and fuck you, you small dick niggas they could fit in. and these are two people that have a beautiful child together...mmm man...my mouth was just silently forming the letter "O" the entire time. furious anger. an amusing (well, to me) way to end the evening. I hope james at least called her on sunday to tell her happy birthday...cause I damn sure forgot to.
I was supposed to leave for DC tomorrow afternoon for howard homecoming...my dad and my sister were all set to meet me there so we could give jessica a tour of howard and hopefully convince her to consider going there next fall. I'd been dreading the trip for weeks...I love to see my father, but me and my sister...we just ain't cool like that. besides a sisterly obligation to love her and want the best for her and her talents, I really don't feel shit for the chick these days...nah, I'm not being heartless...she thinks jack shit of me too and doesn't even deem me deserving enough to speak to most of the time. frankly, she's mad spoiled...my stepmother let's her get away with whatever she wants and I'm sick to tears of them making my father out to be the enemy...making him feel his authority isn't even respected in his own fuckin house. he's 61 years old with a heart condition and chronic bronchitis...the last thing he needs is to do the dishes at 10pm because eva lets jessica roll her eyes and pout her way out of it. yea, my stepmom tries to make my father out to be the bad guy all the time, but I saw a different side of things when I was there in july...yes, my dad is set in his ways and he has mad faults but jessica is just hard to get along with...and she has no personality of her own other than the one her clique created for her. she obviously has teenage angst and I more than remember how that feels, but she isolates herself and I ain't got time to chip away at her when she's never made the effort to do that for me. getting her out of state for school was the best option for letting her find who she really is away from the comfort and stagnancy of home.
but a couple days ago she unceremoniously announced that it was pointless for her to go to homecoming altogether because she was totally against attending howard...shes decided she wouldn't fit in there. its weighed so heavily on my father, the struggle to get her to even consider leaving state for school, that it's affected his health...so he decided not to go to DC either. me and chad tried to change his mind, but he just wasn't feeling it...but ironically enough, when he initially told me jessica wasn't coming I then wanted to go. I didn't really know why I was dreading the trip but it turns out it was all about having to feign getting along with her for four days. shit...it's hard spending time alone with my dad and now that I'm an adult I love his company so much...it would've been nice to be with my father and brother uninterrupted and alone for a few days. he promised he'd come see me in november; he's never been to new york to see me...he promised. I can't wait.
as for now I don't have shit to say to jessica. chad said he was going to tell her to pay back the money for the non-refundable plane tickets...eva will probably get her out of doing that too.
so anyway...despite all these internal issues...I still have my art...and I don't mean my job, I mean my personal art. I've found a beauty in it again that I lost for awhile...hence why my website has had the same design for 20934098 years. I'm very close to redesigning though...mainly because I'm so sick of looking at what I have now. stacey said I've become a 3D whore, haha...that I need to go back to objectifying half nekkid women in my designs again, so that's where my head has been at...ass...tiddies. I can't seem to control my own life or really help in the lives of those surrounding me...but I can still pimp photoshop.