not a happy camper
I can't sleep until I am completely exhausted and then I just basically pass out...I feel like my eyes are wide open with dark circles surrounding them...they blink...swollen eyelids and pounding potential migraine and all...when they open again its sometime in the middle of the day. but in the nighttime...I cannot sleep...not even tired...my eyes fly back open like when you try to close a discman with a broken latch.
I bet my neighbors want to kick me out...since I can't sleep at night I play music...loud. nice and loud. so I can feel like I'm alive.
I was pushing christopher away for awhile...maybe cause I didn't want him to see me like this. either I'm not myself right now or I'm not the me I thought I was anymore...in which cause I'm just bruised floating matter without an identity or focus. taking up space.
I wish my head would stop hurting...it constantly hurts, no exaggeration...dizzying, incomprehensible hurting. tara told me to check my pilot light, though, and sure enough it was out. that might have something to do with it...I re-lit it last night so let's see if these headaches subside...
stress is just such an intagible emotion...well, not emotion but state of being. I can't just "stop being stressed"...stress is defining my very existance right now. I spent friday through monday at tara's house because my modem broke and I had to wait til yesterday for them to ship a new one...I actually wasn't stressed there. I had a really good time being around her and her kids and her wifey...its like her house has a pulse...I was so motivated. I got mad work done...didn't really wanna leave...I miss it over there already. the cats didn't even get to much too much until the last day I was over there...I got a hair in my eye and sure enough it turned blood red and swelled right the fuck up...I guess the "allergies fade as you age" theory doesn't hold true in this case.
I need to find a new way to make money...like, quickly...my money disappears fast as shit and I still have bills. my lifestyle is not an expensive one, so I check my checking balance and it's like WHATTHEFUCK, where did blah blah hundred dollars go in one week and I still have to pay my telephone and electricity? it's very overwhelming...I thought I was good with managing money but apparently I'm not cause I never have any. this design shit...I'm just sick of it. thinking very seriously of just doing out to get a "real" job; one where I'm not the boss, one where I'm just getting weekly paychecks and budgeting efficiently like a proper adult.
or maybe I should just move to a studio...I have a lot of shit that probably wouldn't fit in anything but a one bedroom apartment, but I don't truthfully want half the shit I got. magazines I've already read and clothes I don't like anymore...I put some of them aside for the salvation army and I still have tons more. I've got boxes and tape...it's time to start packing up...maybe putting this shit in storage and just being a gypsy for awhile, moving from place to place free as a bird. I keep saying it, but I'm beginning to really mean it...I don't need this life right now. I'm worried about myself. I'm a drone, a worker bee...a slave to the companies I owe money, to the rental office of this building, to the IRS. I wanna be in new york because I went through so much to get and survive here...I've convinced myself, somewhere along the line, that leaving here would be failure. but I already feel I've failed in a way cause I still don't have the life I want.
sad isn't it...that we're taught to measure our "success" by our job and what toys we've collected along the way. none of it means shit.
me and kari promised each other that we'd write every three days...HA, I say...that really didn't work out too good. I could write more often but whats the point, it all comes out sounding very negative...and I don't feel negatively...well not exactly. I'm not putting it in the atmosphere, that is...but its swarming around me. I don't feel like doing the whole miss molly sunshine song and dance right now to repel it really. I'm just glad christopher will be here next week. and my dad is coming next month too, for thanksgiving...that really is the proverbial silver lining around the storm clouds. I got mad jins trying to infect me, but the people who love me make me feel like a superhero...and I put shit in perspective anyway...fires are burning down people's houses in california, taking away their homes...my father called me a few minutes ago and told me there's a big fire in colorado too, less then five miles away from his house...its times like these personal problems seem much less important.