new orleans
the last time I visited new orleans I was still a teenager, spending five restless, exciting, muggy days in the N.O. working with the democratic national committe to re-elect president bill clinton. I fell in love with it right away; the humidity, the atmosphere...creole food...the smell of the ocean within the breezes...the electricity and the damp eroticism of bourbon street...the extravagant cemetaries...the way even the most modest of houses looked architecturally impressive with their large second floor patios wrapped in moss and mosquito netting. I even considered moving there once upon a time I loved it so much. it made me feel sexy and mysterious to be somewhere so heavy with culture and history. I imagined being a young starving artist wandering the french quarter; knowing about the spots where the smoke that billowed out of an alley was the only indication that there was a discreet little cajun restaurant in the crevice of what looked like an abandoned alley.
I was too young to go into the bars and restaurats on bourbon street during my N.O. visit but even though it was nowhere near mardi gras (actually it was monsoon season), we still found gold, purple, and green beads in every bourbon street shop we wandered into. I still have mine.
a hugely insignificant keepsake in retrospect.
after the events of the past few days by way of hurricane katrina, my memories of new orleans have obviously been altered. I remember going to a river-side carnival to watch president clinton speak, his backdrop the steamboats of the mississippi...I ate grilled corn-on-the-cob as I took it all in, feeling very proud and self-important to be young, black and politically involved. that place I stood is gone today. the streets we drove. the lemon yellow house we stayed in and the gardenias in the front yard. the restaurants we ate in - even the hooters with the really good hot wings. that shit is gone. it makes my chest heavy with saddness, and it makes me feel even worse to know how miniscule my sadness is compared to the actual residents who's families had hundreds of years of history in new orleans...the people who have lost their homes, their jobs, their loved ones. I keep imaging me, christopher, and serena stuck in that astrodome, afraid for our lives but trying to stay sane for each other and for the sake of our baby daughter. I imagine the sense of desperation. you can't expect human beings not to revert to certain kinds of base, animalistic behavior when they're in a desperate situation...our need for food, water, and shelter is built into our very psyche, and its those needs that become absolutely paramount in desperate times. fuck - I'd be stealing water and food and baby formula and whatever other essentials necessary to keep my family alive, too. I can't condone stealing fucking hd televisions (even though I really think those people have just simply fucking lost it and want something to call their own - a tv, a dvd player, a teddy bear, anything after losing everything), but I would steal huggies and similac in a heartbeat if I was without so my daughter could be clean and fed. I'd die for her, of course I would steal for her. I'd steal a gun if I could to protect me and mines from the violence. the media kills me calling these people "looters" like this is the LA riots - these heads are human beings tryin to survive by any means necessary.
the shit we're carelessly desensitized to when we see it happening on the news in countries halfway around the world is happening in a major american city right now - kats are prowling the streets at night with stolen handguns raping women and stealing food and supplies from people on the street. the police down are in the same situation as the citizens, no food, no homes...apparently there's a vigilante justice system being formed due to the lack of security. as the news cameras sweep the crowded streets showing old women sleeping on dirty mattresses on the sidewalk and women with children huddled under makeshift tents, people are shouting out to them, asking them if they have any food or water or at least some information for them from the outside world. this is an american city. christopher described it perfectly - he said it looks like the end of the world down there. and as faulty the logic may seem to some, it digs into my stomach even more to see so many black faces with expressions fast approaching utter hopelessness. the wealthy and priviledged lost their homes too, but at least they had the money and resources to get out of dodge. the poor, whom are largely BLACK...are the ones left. I'm sick of this nation expecting us to turn a blind eye. I honestly don't think my eyes have ever been more widely open. there are already too many black people struggling in this country already; in new orleans the situation was dire as hell before the hurricane...now the number of unemployed has increased exponentially, adding tens of thousands. and most news outlets are not helping the situation with their racist (I applaude carolyn kirkpatrick, a member of the national black caucus, for reminding journalists that these people are not "refugees" they're american citizens) double-standardizing (if you hadn't yet heard - black people "loot", while white people "find"). the initial casualties, which is an impossible number to predict, will increase when the diseases start to take affect. you can't wade around and be exposed to that much human waste, sewage, dead human and animal remains without being physically affected.
what do you think of your country when your fellow men and women have had to beg, plead, and yell for help? right now all efforts should be concentrated on saving people who's lives are in danger...cause kats are desperate down there and very quickly becoming angry. the crime rate was already high; now it's anarchy. where has the fucking help been these past few days? this country has fighter jets that can break the speed of sound so what exactly is preventing them from flying in more supplies? sick of hearing all these fuckin excuses from heads sitting comfortably dry and cool in on their couches. all the military and law enforcement resources in the immediate gulf coast area are being exhausted just trying to pull people out of their attics on off of their roofs. ray nagin, the mayor of new orleans, wanted martial law declared days ago...so why is the united states national guard only now, only today, only as of an hour or two ago finally able to begin relief efforts? apparently a great number of them are tied up fighting a war on terror in another fucking country that didn't want us there in the first place if I recall correctly while american citizens are dying from disease, drowning, exhaustion...already existing illnesses complicated by no clean water and no sterile accomodations. it's a shame how fingers were intially pointed to mayor nagin like he'd dropped the ball when hes amongst his people, just as frustrated and angry as they are by the slow response...and from who? who do we blame - bush? FEMA? the government? it's even worse to not know where to direct your anger because, of course, no one wants to take responsibility for being slow and lathargic to act...no one wants to admit they didn't prepare as they should have even though they knew this shit was going to be bad. and ya know what else? it's easy to point fingers at the "criminals"; FEMA actually said one of the reasons they hadn't gotten help to certain areas is because there were "reports of gunfire" but these kats that are busting shots are not in the majority despite perception to the contrary; they're the same evil fucks that made parts of N.O. dangerous before a hurricane; and shit - who's to say some of those gunshots aren't citizens defending themselves from the sharks and alligators in the water?
there are stories of heroism and bravery and escape I am trying to cling to. my cousins, who lived just outside of N.O. are just fine, holed up in a hotel in alexandria until electricity returns to their neighborhood. but I've heard and read so many other people say they don't know where their family is, or haven't heard from friends. this is a fucking tragedy. tens of thousands of people's entire lives have been altered. anyone who isn't feeling sympathy for these people is a fucking monster. its important right now to feel...and to be a good person...if you weren't before, start right now...believe in karma. believe in helping your fellow man.
I feel a great sense of sorrow for the people in louisiana, alabama, and mississippi who's cities have been obliterated. I can't turn on the news without getting this heavy lump in my throat...I feel overwhelmed with sympathy. moreso then any tragedy I've ever been alive to see, 9/11 (which, as a new yorker, will always be a day of mourning for me) included, this has deeply changed my entire outlook on human nature. I wanna help somebody, I wanna give everything I can, I wanna donate, I wanna pray...but most of all, as selfish as it sounds, I just wanna hug and hold my family. because apparently you never know what can happen tomorrow.
p.s. kanye west said live in front of millions what many black americans have been thinking for days. the only people that will protest him and organize public burnings of his CDs are peckerwoods who do not like their country or their president to be called on closet racism. or, of course, black people who don't wanna rock massa's boat.