new digs
my new apartment is the guts. aww man, I love it...I feel like I deserve it. it's so much bigger and nicer then my old place. so very lovely. everything feels drastically different now, and not just cause I'm shacked up again. I just feel...grown I guess is the word.
I've always felt as though I've carried myself and had the mentality of someone much older then my twenty asdl;fkjad years...which is why heads tend to think I'm older then I am or at the least twice as serious. its the stress. although I've been out of school awhile now, I still have dreams that I'm back at howard, late for a final...or going to a class I've ditched for months for the first time on finals day...that basic feeling of being rushed and unprepared and uncertain. I used to have dreams like that a couple times a week. not since I've been here. although I don't sleep soundly enough to have dreams...for some reason my bed is like ten times less comfortable then it was before; I wake up every morning with pain in my spine and neck like I slept on a slab of concrete. kinda sucks. but this apartment is still so much more me.
so much space, but so many boxes and so little money...still owe my shitty ass broker a wad of cash I don't feel she really deserves considering all she did to show it to me was walk me down three flights of stairs (she lives...well lived in the same building). she had an open house for her new office a few days ago; christopher and I didn't go. we had more important shit to do like...sitting around watching trading spaces. she just mad did me shady, yo...she greedy. when I was in her office a couple weeks ago I said something offhand about money being evil. she looked at me like I was fuckin nuts and asked me to elaborate. I said "the pursuit of money is evil, what it brings out in people and what it causes them to do". she disagreed. and told me to write this down in my ever-present notebook: "I am a powerful woman and I can will all things". I wish I could will her into not tryin to take my hard earned money...I guess I'm just an advocate of paying people to actually do something worth the payment itself. ehhhh thats just me apparently, god bless america.
I went to a party a couple saturday nights ago with my girl lexy but I really didn't have a good time...pretty sure I'm fast approaching the point where I don't need to go partying. and not just because I'm involved, but because I'm over it. over the same shit niggas spit. then when I tell them I'm wifey'd up, it's "well why are you here then?" as if being in a relationship negates your need to go out every now and then as individuals. I don't believe in that spicegirl sweet sugar shit like "two becomes one" (that song is sooo pretty though ahh the memories) maddness...I'd rather be a full part of a union between two then a half of one. and I like my union. I almost lost it the other day because I did some dumb shit...but my boyfriend loves me. and what we have transcends most of what others overstand. at least I hope so, because I've put a lot into making this work and truly I'd feel like a 360 degree failure if this didn't work. I don't wanna do wrong no more, don't wanna give anyone a reason to hurt, but I swear I hurt so much at times, my emotions are so overwhelming I'm blinded, utterly. then when I do wrong I punish myself so much, then have to take punishment from the outside too. my shell is getting harder.
it's getting warm, yay. I should be real happy about that but it's not like I really have the time to enjoy it. all I do is work and my emotions are and stress level is monsterous. I don't have a social life these days...not really helped by the fact that my friends always have something else to do and someone else to do it with. all I do is sit up here and work...now granted, my new place is a much better work environment, and I do feel more productive, but I can't enjoy myself as long as I'm still getting caught up. I have shelled out dumb money in the past month. if I didn't have all these moving expenses and various other fees to pay off I'd have thousands in the bank.
it iggs me when heads think folk who work from home somehow work less hard. when I'm working I'm AT WORK...I don't have time to chat much or to take personal phone calls (I've told my own parents "I'm working, call you back later"), run to the store, do this do that...occassionally I take breaks because of my migraines but those aren't cause I have the time to, its cause I have to. I think some heads in my life just devalue my job a bit because it's home-based, even those who have spent time with me and see how hard I work; face five inches from my screen trying to decipher a mess of code or trying to be creative at the drop of a hat for an overlay picky client...shit is STRESSFULLLLLL. I'm stressed. I wanna go outside in shorts and brown my legs, they are PALE. I want to go to the grocery store and fill up my fridge cause I'm sick of ramen and christopher damn near hates it. I wanna have time to hunt my fat super down to fix the bars in my closets so I can stop living out of boxes and hang my clothing up. I just don't though, and really its killing me damn near.
I'm happy but I'm not happy. when I first started typing this I was chillin, now I'm almost in tears. I'm happy, not happy. it's like flower petals...happy...not happy...happy...not happy. but as usual I have to shake it off til later. everything is til later. I don't know whats going to happen when later comes, stick around and find out.