moving on
escaping from this hell would be so heavenly
and I'm trippin cause this life's not what I want it to be
but I crawl throughout the darkness cause I'm tryin to see
I'ma ride til the end until the lord takes me.
children listen closely, I've got stories to tell
my soul is bare but please don't think you know me so well
line up all these angels with their broken wings
help me do away with all these needful things - s.h.e.
I realize this design (#22!) is obnoxious...like I really care. I'm still working out bugs and changing some shit...so there.
my girl tara took me shopping with her last thursday in harlem and I thoroughly enjoyed myself...I got some very dope shit for a very lovely cost. I originally didn't know if I wanted to go cause I'm strapped for cash...I'm still trying to move and I've recently had to buy two plane tickets. but I didn't even go over one hundred and I got like six things...I done my mama proud.
so friday night I was sitting here at my desk beautifying myself to go out...I felt nervous about it for some reason. and it wasn't because I had a big ass welt cutting its way across my face under my left eye (sliced myself in the shower...my fingernails are sharp)...I just didn't feel like flirting or putting on a smile...didn't feel like putting on my public face...sometimes I at least want the option of surrounding myself with those who dig the private me. its like doing my hair, doing my make-up, putting on the clothes...its all on some fake shit really. but I did feel like getting the hell out of this apartment, so barring me taking a walk in the rain, it was out to the club. its a double-edged sword, the club is...on one hand the anonymity is refreshing...I can be that mysterious young sexy at the bar looking totally unaffected by the world and her money situation and her aspirations...on the other hand, that only lasts until someone tries to holla. then its like a wrecking ball of unwanted attention...and the spaces for potentials are all taken up right now...next car please.
sometimes love just doesn't make sense...its becoming blindingly apparent as of late why the concept of love itself scares the shit out of me. for instance, I know my parents still love each other...and not just because of me and my brother...they still genuinely love each other...they see the young heads they used to be in each other everytime they see each other or speak. they've been in each other's lives and families for so long its like they complete each other. they have moved on relationship wise, but lately...I don't know, yo...for the first time in the thirteen years they've been divorced, I can honestly say I wish they would get back together. what they have with each other nearly renues my faith in love as assbackwards as the shit sounds...for them to put each other through the hell that was a good chunk of their marriage and still come out the other end of the tunnel adoring each other nonetheless...it just tells me that once you really love someone, it doesn't stop. love lingers in the air like musk waiting for you to breathe it in...remember how good it smells...so here I am, afraid I'll fall in love again and eventually, unavoidably, get hurt...sometimes I figure its worth the risk. getting hurt I can handle.
so, by that same vein, the strangest thing happened yesterday morning...I dreamed that traj and I had a fight; we were standing in the middle of a dense forest...I think it was raining a bit...he was pointing out my flaws, hollering at me, berating me, laughing at me, hurting my feelings in that unique way that only he can...I cried...and when I cry in my dreams, especially if I'm half-awake, which I guess I was, I start unconsciously crying in reality. I tried to run away from him but I could still hear him slinging arrows into my heart...eventually I tripped on some overgrown roots and fell...passed out. when I opened my eyes, I was waking up for real...my face was wet, my chest was hoarse. and as I slowly came out of that hazy dream state I heard traj the phone talkin to one of his boys about our former relationship...what he gave that I supposedly didn't give, what he sacrificed that I supposedly never fully overstood...and I realized its really truly over between us. it didn't hit me until then, fully. he said he needed someone that would ride til the end with him, fight for him...thats all I ever tried to do...I fought for us...it wasn't good enough.
lets face it, I lost myself in traj...trying to be who he wanted me to be...he says he did the same and that might be true...but I never berated him for who he was. I simply told him his words hurt me...if thats a crime, I'll be guilty in this muhfucka...how dare I be sensitive to the critiques of those I love, right? I guess thats not ride or die enough or whatever.
I will never allow myself to be bossed around or controlled again...I need to be free to progress at my own rate, not one dictated by someone who doesn't live every day in this hell in my skin. I don't even take that shit from my dad anymore...I shouldn't have to look into the eyes of my mate for approval, I should be able to look for acceptance...and find it.
all this written and I didn't even have that much shit on my mind.