illadelph halflife
despite the writhing, searing, gnawling agony my uterus is putting me through, I had a good day...can't hardly focus or concentrate on anything though...maybe I need to go in my cave. I enjoyed myself hanging around tucker's ma dukes all day...she's got the whole grandma vibe going on and that makes me feel mad comfortable. shes making me feel like I'm welcome here and thats a rare accomplishment...she even gave me a blue and grey blanket that she knitted...my other blankie will be jealous. we're at his parents big house until the weekend, thats when we move our stuff into the new apartment. haha, tucker is like 6'3" 350 so his furniture is all super-sized, I feel like thumbalina an shit and as I am 5'8" high 100's that doesn't happen to often. I do feel good about me and tucker being roomies...thats the homie til the end of time but his cool points were elevated even more so cause I can chill with his mom. she, like most black senior citizens, doesn't call heads black, she says "colored", heh...little things like that remind me that I'm a baby in this world and I have to allocate time to work on self and focus on my goals. I overstand that some things should have a sense of immediacy to them but I am no longer feeling rushed.
my perception of time is on some clockstoppers shit however...the past year of my life has probably gone by "slower" than any of the twentysome years previous...I moved to NY only two and a half years ago but I feel like its been five. haven't had a steady/constant source of income in a year or so...its all been hustling for clients...struggle.stress.saddness.stagnancy. I'm not in philly on a whim or to run from anything/anybody, I'm here to locate myself within all these self-imposed/inflicted walls, to get my shit together...to conquer the loneliness I feel right now with no friends, no lover...to not have to avoid opening the mailbox just to see bills I can't pay off, to build my strength in solitude as I'm single again...to make my id.ego.superego live in unison, three's company on some jack.janet.chrissy shit. I'm bitch slapping myself. this is jack's changeover.
its coming up on the three year mark since I graduated college very young and very full of freshly twentysomething idealism...some days I avoid thinking about what I've done cause frankly I feel I ain't done a damn thing of importance. I know this shit has me in preperation for something though, I've got purpose, I've got voice...whys it wrong that I want to focus my energy on putting together reflections of that voice? my father is always reminding me how much he paid to put my "black ass" through college...example: "I spent thousands of dollars so you could train to be an actress and you're not even acting, you're putting my money to waste"...aiight, so with that being said, should economics outshine vision? is this on some "I paid for your college education so I own you, your destiny, and your wants"...is that it? I've got a gameplan for this shit...and I will act again, when I'm acting in projects that reflect my vision and illustrate my purpose. everyone in my cipher including fam knows my views on this so why the static why the static why the static. I ask the sky why my dad has such a supreme dislike for everything I've always dreamed of...I'm sorry, dad, that my dreams are not in technicolor with desks and real estate appraisals and 9-5 working hours. even my brother's dreams when he was my age just got the gasface. he fronted on my love for the piano...now I don't even play and I was a prodigy. I coulda went somewhere with that. my father can be so negative at times..."you aren't an artist, you're an actress, so ACT"...jigga what? what the hell...now I have to conveniently fit into someone 30+ years my senior's file cabinet...I can only be, do, and shoot for one thing? thats not even my style...even if I didn't want to do this indie, I can't afford to audition all day everyday right now. I would die for my dad, I love his difficult self but dammit I can only take so much.
...the end justifies the means thats all I'm shouting...and right now the means is this illadelph halflife. I haven't been excited about anything in such a good minute, I need this. someone wrote in my gbook the other day that I'm wise beyond my years...if thats true then as the cliche goes, with wisdom comes saddness. because wise souls recognize the world for what it can be but what it is...and recognize the ugliness in people's hearts as well as their own...they're perpetually heavy with the burden to want to change it.
wow I'm in some kind of serious pain here. I need some motrin or advil or some shit...tucker's mom gave me a pain killer and indeed I'm feeling no pain except for in...my...uterus.
and I'm gone bye bye bye like j. timberlake. that was corny.