heavy
I would really love a baby blue franco sarto hide n' seek bag instead of a diaper bag. I seen a girl on the train carrying one and it was so adorable to me...apparently they're the so-called new thing on the set, which means they'll soon be played out like 8 tracks and legwarmers and fake louis vuitton bags (mine is real and I can't even carry it anymore how screwed is that), but I don't care. I like shit cause it appeals to my flawless aesthetic sensibility. them bags are nice. I bid on one on ebay but I'm not really too pressed to have one right now when I can just ask somebody for christmas. I'll be getting so many things for beans anyway...maybe I can convince someone that what beans really needs is...an ipod. a sidekick II even.
so check it...when I was walking to work from the train day before halloween I peeped an orthodox jew, yarmulka and spiral curled sideburns and all, smoking a blunt. like he'd had freaky friday with a rastafarian for the day and shit. when I was in the village later that day with christopher we saw slick rick and treach within like three minutes of each other. yes I'm from new yaaawk, new york. those three sightings were nearly more interesting then anything we saw on saturday night, although there were some rather creative get-ups going on in the village and by union square...but mainly sluts. ya know...slut police officer, slut devil, slut nurse, slut schoolgirl, slut firewoman...nearly every chick I saw was some derivative of a whore. we were actually on our way to a club (no doubt to see more sluts), but we mutually opted against it and instead walked around looking at costumes and showing off our own (crazy 88 and gogo yubari). we got food at the same restaurant we ate at the first day we met. topher made the fascinating discovery that his cheeseburger was "like a grilled cheese with meat" because he is brilliant after a long island iced tea I tell you. I'm so glad I have that boy anyway cause my peoples basically pulled out on me and disappointed me yet again as they are so likely to do. they're just apparently not as into halloween as I am, although last year was one for the history books with the debauchery we witnessed at the golden lady. this year it just wasn't happening, though...from "I ain't got no money" to "I don't feel like it" I was unceremoniously dissed *b-boy stance* (yea, broad, say somethin you know you included in this hurr). what is really going on when a pregnant chick has a more active social life then any of her friends? fuckin pathetic.
I just can't do nothing as tired as I am like 99% of the time. I can't watch my free time go by and just sit my ass in the house waiting for next time to roll around...infact, heads like that annoy the shit out of me; it's the number one, undisputed reason I get in arguments with my friends. my father said to me a few nights ago that he'll probably die sitting at his desk working...that he hears people not too much older then him making retirement plans and the fact that he doesn't have that same option makes him sad. that shit truly made my entire body hurt inside and out...it depressed me more then anything has in years. he doesn't really confide in me like he used to because I'm pregnant; infact, nobody does for fear of upsetting me...like I'm not going to deliver a healthy baby if I'm oblivious that those around me aren't content 24/7. it worries me more that nobody is talking to me like they used to. and I know heads are just being caring and shit but it gets on my nerves to be treated like I'm fragile...there is really not too much fragile about me, I am my mother and father's child in everyway. I don't need to be catered to or whispered around like there's something wrong with me, I'm not so unstable that anything mental is going to bother my kid...its not a physical ailment. shit. if anything, I'ma worry automatically because I'm not just living for me anymore and I never will again...ever. so I realize for the first time in my life a fraction of what my parents feel for me and my brother and sister...for this reason I realize my father isn't expecting me to "save" him, if anything he is way too strong and proud for it to ever even cross his mind, but I want to someday just like he took care of my grandma. I don't want him to leave me and never know what its like to have someone take care of him. I feel the same about my brother, too. I don't want them to be hurt and I can't make them better. when I was little and I felt something was wrong I could just climb in their lap and kiss them and I would really feel this sense of accomplishment like I fixed them. this is the pressure I put on myself to this day, as a woman, because I feel I was destined for so much more than I am doing right now. if I was rich my dad could retire early and go to haiti like he and my mom used to...he could sip martinis in martinique and always go to bed on time and see the best doctors in the world for his health problems and never have to deal with anybody he didn't want to. my brother and his family could live in a huge house and he wouldn't have to be a police officer and risk his life for ungrateful reggins. this is what I would consider success. it's somewhere there in the future but the patience part that makes everything hard...not anything they could possibly ever confide in me.
I put a lot of pressure on myself...its a characteristic I've always had...the classic over-achiever. it's never enough to just be good, I have to be great...moderate success is not an option as long as there's complete success to aim for. sounds very donald-trumpian and useful I suppose, but it tends to make me miserable because I am rarely satisfied with "good enough"...when often times good enough is just that.
off work in fifteen more minutes and then me and topher are going to vote; it's almost like I can't wait. too many heads don't really seem to take the time to do any research past the republican and democratic presidential candidates...I didn't four years ago, but I'm doing it now. as far as the big race is concerned, even if kerry doesn't end up winning, I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing I didn't at least "do my part" to try and get bush's ass out of dodge. I could've chosen to be apathetic before, when I didn't pay taxes or know anybody in the armed services, before my father's best friend's son was killed on 11 september 2001, before I was looking so forward to bringing a baby in this world, but because of these circumstances and more I can no longer live in youthful ignorant bliss. oh shit, when I typed that..it's like I almost heard the star spangled banner...that was just teetering on the edge of way too patriotic for me...but you get my drift. I want bush out of office so bad I can taste it in my mouth and no rabbit (or osama speech) his party pulls out of their proverbial, collective asshats could change my mind. clever plan, considering playing the bin laden card has always boosted bush morale in the past, but hopefully not today, son. stand for something or fall for anything...and any other cliche' you wanna throw in there to get your ass to the polls.