head cheerleader
my art gallery will be up this week along with the rest of my sections...sorry to sleep on it so long but I have a little something called a baby who doesn't give two tears in a bucket about a damn website. along with my art gallery - which will not consist of any past experiments I once housed here (read: expect all new shit...yes, I am still your favorite designer's favorite designer) - I will finally (maybe) add the rest of my writing and some links to people I still tolerate on the i-net. aaaand christopher and I are working on a project at beautifulstruggle.com...kinda a boys vs. girls type thing. I've actually had that domain for nearly a year now; a concept for it just never gelled until the last month. like seriously, I have learned to stop sleeping on the things that occupy the space in my brain reserved for fantasy projects. case in point - I've owned mightyhealthy.com for three years with plans to do the aforementioned pin-up project there, only to be recently jolted off my ass to discover mightyhealthynyc.com. I've also had basementhustle.com since may with plans to branch off my design company's more hip-hop flavored projects that'a way and now there's a beautifulhustle.com (nice collages). my friend jay used to always tell me that if I have a good idea, I have to immediately put it into action because others will eventually think of it too...never assume you're the smartest head in existance with the ideas you do nothing but pipe dream about.
so I have been obsessed with finding a halloween costume. my folk have started to avoid me because all I talk about is halloween...I can segue any conversation into halloween, I've got skills like that. and I've gone from a sheriff to a candy striper to a farmer's daughter to a flapper and back again...but I've come across such hot business on my favorite goth-wear sites I've just assembled my own. stacey says thats why she loves me - cause I'm not afraid to wear me a spikey bracelet. for a day or two I was set on a dominatrix but as we're taking beans to the parade on halloween day, I couldn't do it. I got morals an shit. no pushing a baby carriage dressed like a woman who earns a living spanking rich, middle-aged white dudes for pay. "dat's not cool" (c) carlito. me and christopher are gonna be the flyest, hottest, gothiest muthafuckas you ever seeeeeeen. very dark sex candy. now if only my holmes from the strip club would yodel back about whether I definitely have that friday the 28th on lock so I can get down to the business of inviting my peoples...the bitches, the niggas, the women, the children, the workers, the killers, the addicts, the dealers, the quiet, the livest, the realest (c) mos def, a.k.a. that piff.
my cousin suggested I attempt to spend at least one week updating my site every day. I don't know if this shit is even remotely possible, however, due to a few things in particular:
1. I don't have time to constuct an entry everyday...yes I said construct. it takes me hours but more likely days to piece together my random thoughts into one coherent, somewhat themed, entry. I cannot publish bullshit on my site. I actually give a fuck about the quality of my words...I want to read them ten years from now and be proud of it and it still be relevant (which is why I so rarely spend a lot of time talkin about pop culture shit - it doesn't "age" well). nearly everything I write starts with one snippet and swells and bubbles into an entry eventually...its hard to do that daily because I am on the grind all the time huny c. young (tm). here are a few excerpts from just one of the eight different text files I refer to when I write...one day you just might see them evolve into entries...or maybe I'll save them for my book (yep, I'ma write me one of those, too, cause an overachiever is this bitch):
- ...the rounded swell of my stomach where my daughter dwelled is beautiful times twelve...
- I have a jealousy problem.
- I feel like I'm in an elite club with other louis vuitton apparrel carrying individuals. whenever I see a LV barrel bag like mine or shoulder bag (which I want badly) or change purse or anything really I wanna nudge that person like "heyyyyy noooice!" sad. false misplaced comararderie, of this I am very much aware. (now this right hurr is very old cause I don't even carry that bag no more...right now its all about the franco sarto. bitches.)
- you never know what fear is until you have a seed
- sometimes I am so lonely I can feel it in my bones...like all my marrow's been drained and replaced with icy wind and tumbleweeds.
- "grass is greener" - was talkin to my friend since kindergarten, gen...I want what she has - a high paying, professional, well respected career by 27...she wants what I have - a family
- when I was a kid the older girls taught me that if a girl had a gap inbetween her thighs she wasn't a virgin. older girls taught me that the best time to drink a glass of pop was right before the fizz was gone...see, you had to time the shit right. looking back...older girls didn't really know shit did they.
- I mean this situation was ugly...ugly like monday night strippers and ice cream kicks.
- everybody forms relationship with others for some reason...most of those reasons could be deemed selfish were it one-sided, but it takes two (at least) to make a partnership, a friendship, whatever. theres always something both parties want.
- I fucking hate the baby blue and gold nuggets gear. they need to go back to the navy blue and maroon shit...or better yet, the white with the rainbow mountains.
- "I don't understand how girls can be straight and guys can be gay" - young h, on sexy womens
2. I get very little in exchange. what, you think I get some big hard-on from writing publically after 6 years? c'mon. these days, it takes me three weeks to get eight comments on something I wrote that's important...how long would it take me to get some feedback on frivulous shit that's only on my main page for a day? anyone with the comment feature enabled who says they don't care if they get any comments is a dirty pirate hooker. and a liar.
3. I just don't have that much to say these days...kinda a "been through it all, seen it all" type situation.
I used to be popular on the i-net...I venture to say probably one of the most well known black females on the i-net. at one block of time I was getting close to 10,000 hits a day. I couldn't redesign my site without fifty sites appearing the next month looking the exact same. I couldn't write anything without it being discussed and over-analyzed throughout the niche of the web I was involved in, especially if it had anything to do with christopher - oh the multitude of groupies he had hanging on his every word was it's own breed of maddness. the hate was strong and I'd get anonymous vitriol on the daily. females sent me pictures of themselves half-naked with my name scrawled across their tiddies and assesses. heads recognized me at the knitting factory when I was just in the shadows nodding my head to the show. heads would tell me that their teachers mentioned me in their new media classes...heads would tell me they overheard someone at work or on the subway mentioning "thatbitch.com". if you don't believe any of that I can refer you to the heads that reported and/or witnessed it. but no matter because those days are over...everyone has a site now...its not cool or different in of itself. weblogs have jumped the shark and I have long since stopped playing politics and commenting on other people's shit if I don't have anything to say. I no longer even talk to the girls that sat with me on the upper echelon of so called i-net notoriety, the most goddesslike stacey aside. I don't have a links page so nigga's get hurt and unlink me cause I guess linking someone just cause you like their site is too much to ask. I'm rarely on a public screename because I am busy. I don't really "get" a portion of this neo black blogger clique and why they suck each others toes like chicken wings. I don't submit my site to design portals. I didn't campaign for a black weblog award (mainly cause I had no idea it existed much less that I'd been nominated until way after it was over). I have a boyfriend and a daughter now so horny niggas no longer get their fix reading about me making out with girls. I have a boyfriend and a daughter now so horny bitches no longer proclaim "huny made me gay!" cause I told them they could get it. I'm no longer crazy/bitchy enough for some or deep and poetic for others. the thrill of popularity is gone...and thankfully so. I always hated high school.
I was there for the advent of "personal" sites. I was there for the dot com boom and subsequent fall. I was there when sites really represented the person and it was exciting to see what newness would evolve. now for the most part exists a shell of what once was...exceptions to the rule aside, as always. but it's cool. it makes it even more meaningful when someone does something beautiful and new or just funny as shit again; it's partly why I have started to get my hands dirty again following through with slept-on aspirations. and what's left after I filter out the gobbage is why I keep a site, why I do occassionally chat up heads and bother to bookmark some ish.
anyway, I'ma try to update every single day starting monday and ending friday because a. I want to prove a point to my cuzo and b. I can't resist such an unrealistic challenge. monday's entry already has a title - "I am bisexual". stay tuned, but not too closely, cause it's entirely possible I might not update again for like two weeks. I'm wishy washy like that.
addendum: theres a lot of shit in this entry and most others that is very tongue-in-cheek...sometimes I forget that not everyone reading gets my humor. I'm a dry, sarcastic person and it doesn't always translate so...if this entry pisses you off read it again and assume that everything is a joke. then you'll love me like all intelligent sexy people do.
addendum #2: I'm actually not against anyone being "netfamous". there are a lot of kats who are more well known then me for their design skills and they deserve it. my tenure in popularity-ville just seemed mad shallow cause it required being a version of me that was inflated and exaggerated...it required catering to other's egos, too. if I ever get that kind of attention again I want it to be because I am who I am and I do what I do, and thats it...you shouldn't have to perform upkeep to get props for what you're good at. achieve "fame" on your own terms an shit.