domesticated
I have a text file chock full of weblog goodness...I think that makes it even more difficult for me to update. so many random non-sequiturs to wade through. I can't do like my cousin dame diddy does and just post them together...I am too obsessive compulsive and I don't feel right when theres not a basic theme to each entry even if its vague. my theme this week (haha I said "this week" like I'm actually gonna update next week...yea right...then again my birthday is in 9 days so I just might do so to whore my wishlist...oh wait...I did it right there...now you might not see me til march an shit) is being at the acme point of domestication. hot sex on a platter.
christopher was in cleveland over the last weekend in january to celebrate his older brother's birthday...and lemme tell ya...ain't no sunshine when he's gone. I didn't do much of anything besides halfheartedly clean up the apartment and lounge around with the tv up loud, distracting myself from how quiet it was without his big loud presence. it wasn't until the day he came home that I finally left the house to wash two tons of laundry. in between loads I searched the i-net for ideas on decorating our apartment to make it more home-y...its amazing what some rugs and curtains and new lamps can really do...and this place could really stand to be much more cozy before beans arrives. I actually applied for topher to be on queer eye for the straight guy a few months ago just so they could hook our shit up...but alas, they didn't get back to us...I guess he's not hopeless enough. all I know is that them homos can do wonders. stacey was visiting this past weekend and I told her I considered applying for queer eye for the straight girl for the same decorative reason, but we jointly decided it'd be a bad idea...I'd get called out as a bisexual, old girlfriends would call the bravo channel like "oh please don't let the boyfriend and the baby fool you, she likes pussy", it'd just be a big ugly media circus. cause I'm famous and everything.
actually, stacey's visit coincided with the very important event of me finally finding out the gender of the beans...I didn't even know my obgyn was planning on giving me an ultrasound that day, I thought it'd just be the routine pee-in-a-cup, get-on-the-scale, blood-pressure-normal, listen-to-heartbeat, ok-goodbye sort of visit but I was pleasantly surprised to get called into the sonogram room. it feels so unreal to see my seed moving around on the screen...it's very much a feeling of "wow look what I did, I'm a superhero, I MADE that"...I was so excited to see it again even if I never know wtf I'm looking at. I'm figuring that maybe the doctor got sick of my casually mentioning, visit after visit, that I still didn't know the sex of my child...or maybe she felt bad for taking the blood from my veins three visits in a row because the lab she uses for tests keeps messing up my rubella test. they did manage to determine, however, that I'm negative for gestational diabetes but positive, although only marginally for the moment, for anemia. enough about that, though...my shorty is a GIRL, just as me and topher figured from day one. we're going to have a daughter...we're going to raise a queen. we had already decided on a name months ago, but now that we know for sure (at least as sure as we can be, ultrasounds aren't error-proof with gender) that beans is a babygirl we've started calling her by her actual name more often. and no, I won't be writing it here until after she's born so don't ask me...here's a hint though, her middle name is my grandma's name. our families are ecstatic about it...mostly because they now know what color to buy. I've finally started building a baby registry, too, pink and purple everywhere (but I swear I'm still hard). topher and I start childbirth classes tomorrow evening...it is really really real.
finding out the gender of your unborn child can really be a deep experience, at least when you've had to wait at long as I have. I think about how much my nephews look like my brother and I wonder if my daughter will look just like me...I know for sure she has my nose cause I saw her profile at my 20 week sonogram. I hope she has christopher's eyes. a few night's ago he actually talked for a long time about whats been going on in his dome. how he has always wanted a little girl...how he's confident he'll find a place of peace and salvation being a father because although he's always wanted to take care of me, now he has two girls to be a provider for. being a good father, realizing his full potential as a man, its all in him now, this is his time to be everything his father hasn't been in his life...he said that me and our daughter are the only two people he's ever loved before even "meeting" us...and he even told me he's proud of me. its rare he actually opens all the way up like that without any provocation and I didn't wanna ruin it by saying too much. I know he doesn't write on his weblog anymore, but I at least hope he writes somewhere...I told him that he'll never be awaiting the birth of his first child ever again and he'll regret it one day if he's not recording his thoughts somewhere. he's a writer at heart and he's seriously hampering that part of himself being all one-track-minded about work work work. in the meantime I'm compelled to write down what he says to me as, at least, some sort of record...but I can only do his words justice so much by writing "he said this, he said that". I can't do the shit justice.
I'm all out of chronological order. the rest of stacey's visit was quite short because she had to be at work noon sunday. so this was the weekend: we ordered food, I got my nails painted candy apple streetwalker red, we went to a mexican restaurant in the village where I watched her and topher get tipsy off margaritas, we went to the sex shop across the street to oooh and ahhh over the gels, dildos, ball gags, and stripper-wear, and we had a nice late-night visit from li and adjoa to cap it all off. and you know what seeing li for the first time in maybe eight months made me realize? that even with the full cup size my boobs have grown, most of my friends still manage to have much larger tiddies then I do. I don't know that it's a good idea for anybody to compare breast sizes with li, though...she is blessed by god...now that my girl emage has gotten her breast reduction li officially has the biggest boobs of anybody I know. big boobs...and brains! and I don't just say that because she's helping me plan my baby shower either. yes, li is officially the hostess but me being the perfectionist I am you know I have to make sure shit is just-so. I found mad cute invitations and silky gift bags on target.com...I have a date set, april 2nd...I just have to decide on a location. I've alerted my farthest away girlfriends about the date first so they can make travel plans...I really hope they can all make it. I'm especially curious to see if my girlfriends in colorado come considering they've never not once came to visit me but I'm always going back home to see them...and these are females I've known for like 15, 20 years. practically my entire life. cheaptickets.com, bitches.
8 weeks left until d-day. time flies doesn't it. and now, instead of food cravings, I've developed smell cravings. the smell of tilex, windex, 409...the smell of clean laundry...anything "clean" smelling, really...I'm practically fuckin obsessed. I keep opening the pinesol bottle and smelling it. right now I have a deep, aching need to smell brand new carpet. *sigh* anyway...whatever...I pheen for some lovin, but now that I am coming up on 32 weeks and my waistline is a distant memory I just don't feel like a sex goddess. I love kissing christopher, I get butterflies even still when he tells me how pretty I am and touches my face, but I know he's apprehensive about doing it at this point...he looks at me like I'm a nun practically...so it pretty much makes me turn it all off as soon as I feel the urge. I think this is the longest we've gone without smashin since we moved in together and although I have fully accepted the fact that my life is never gonna be as spontaneously grown and sexy as it was before (well at least not anytime in the near future) I'm not ready to go months without sex and shrug it off like an old married couple. eh...wondering when I'll have a normal sex life again is making me feel self-centered and cliche'. all I really need is a bubblebath...pine smelling candles...john legend CD in the background...glass of hawaiian punch...yes yes yall.