chuuch. preach. tabernacle.
yes, my layout is new...yes, I realize it'd been a year and three months since I changed it last...yes, I realize that's trifling...and yet no, I don't really care...yes, I know none of the sections besides street disciple are up yet...yes, you can check back in a day or two and they might be there but they might not be there, its real hard to say. yes, thats aaliyah in the graphics jah bless her resting soul, yes she has six arms...it's basically my very loose visual interpretation of the tibetan goddess green tara. amongst other things she is the goddess of compassion and creation so I felt it was appropriate given my physical state. now that that's out the way...let's begin.
I'm a fat bottom girl...I caught my reflection in the window last night and yo...my ass is like two volleyballs squeezed together. because I'm carrying beans small I haven't gained a lot of weight, maybe 8 - 10 pounds max and I'm already at 35 weeks...my bellybutton is even still an innie...but I don't see how that little of a weight gain is possible when I see how big my ass is. I guess it's kinda sexy if you're into big round bottoms, its not like its got any cellulite on it, but I can't wait to work some of it off after I have my seed...if I got my stomach back to smallish mode and kept this ass I don't think topher would ever let me leave the house. right now, as far as my shape goes, I think my stomach is way cuter with an innie...and we all know being pregnant is all about looking cute, but it's definitely a shallow bellybutton...a scar I had from my last belly button piercing that used to be inside the concave is now all kinds of visible, however. do you care? I never thought I could write so much about my navel. I'll stop now before I go into a mundane writing induced catatonia. I could wax poetic on how reluctant I am to remove my nipple piercings perhaps? I'll save that excitement for later so your very heart can take it.
my baby is kicking like crazy right now...she does that very late at night or very early in the morning. heads keep asking me if I'm nervous and I'm not...anxious is the more accurate word...I just wanna see what she looks like...I wanna feel that "instant connection" thing other parents have told me about all starry-eyed, like they never knew pure love until they held their shorty. she's maybe kicking like that cause she's hungry. when I'm hungry I assume beans is hungry...and I sent the boy to the store to fetch me some ramen (which is some really good shit, don't front, if you don't have to eat it everyday) and donuts...yes...RAMEN...and DONUTS...and he came back with no ramen and no donuts, took a shit, and fell asleep on the couch...
speaking of which, did you know the leading cause of death in pregnant women is being murdered by their spouse? I. shit. you. not. alternately I wonder how many pregnant women kill their spouses and how many of those cases are attributed to starvation.
so as previously stated, I'm just coming up on 35 weeks today, only a little over a month left...little chica beans, you better stay in there until after the baby party too. we're not calling it a baby shower cause that sounds girlish and we have a lot of guys coming who might think it homogay (not that there's anything wrong with that) to attend a typical baby shower...so baby party is the working title...and I should be done designing the invites over the weekend. li of the big jugs and bigger brain is coming over tomorrow so we can work out some last details and maybe take a trip to the print shop if I finish them tonight. we'll see though, I can't really account for being awake past 11pm - it's back to lamaze class tomorrow morning. last saturday was great fun even though we were about half an hour late (D train weekend service is wack like gators with highwaters)...I mostly just dug having topher there to ask questions and time my panting...and we threw down on some boston market afterward, too, cause it's finally open. I got so full we had to sit there for another twenty minutes after we finished eating just so I could walk straight...mmm boston market is the SHIT, I'ma be in labor thinking about macaroni and cheese. we then walked back to central park to see the great nyc hype that was the gates, but it was cold...so after about 45 minutes in the snow there was only so many saffron colored curtain things I really needed to see. I do greatly anticipate it getting warm, though, so I can take beans to central park...it's mad pretty.
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow...I start going once a week now. I actually feel very much mentally prepared to give birth, but we really haven't purchased anything yet. I did include links to our baby registries in my about section but for those of you that asked (and heads did ask, I'm not just whoring the links out like I did with my birthday wishlist *tee hee*) I present to you target and baby center, neither of which I'm really done adding shit to yet. babies need a lot of shit. and amongst seeing my daughter's face, I also realize that after I give birth I'll have a rag again...kinda bummed about that but I plan on doing that birth control shot that regulates it to once every three months. christopher and I were playing russian roulette as it was having all that sex while I wasn't on any kind of regulated birth control...and although I now feel like beans was meant to be, beans #2 needs to stay a twinkle in his or her daddy's eye for at least three, four years. lemme get hitched first at least. lemme take care of my goals. cause there's a funny thing about goals as you age...everything seems more and more like a pipe dream when before it felt like destiny or divine priviledge...youthful optimism melts away like sugar eats into an ice cube. it had definitely overtaken me before I got pregnant, but I do feel the most overwhelming surge of renewed inspiration now that I have someone that will look up to me so unwaveringly. I couldn't tell my daughter she can be and do whatever she wants in this world if I'm not. last july, when me and christopher were on the verge of breaking up damn near, he told me one day he wanted children that looked like me, that were creative and artistic like me. I just want to be a fraction of what he sees in me thats so special he wants it in his babies, nahmean. read that three times fast.