borderline
I was doing really good...I was already packed because I never unpacked from the cincinnati trip a week prior, I'd already washed my hair, I had clothes for the morning picked out...my apartment was generally clean...so I think I became careless and cocky, seeing as it was the most together I'd been pre-trip in years, and that's why I left all the writing I'd been doing to finally make a new entry on my computer in new york instead of on the disk I'd be bringing with me to denver.
so here I am doing it all over again...on my step-sister's computer...which I basically hate because everytime she comes home I have to get off of it...and I can't get shit done.
the pittsburgh/cincinnati trip was such a whirlwind of extreme emotions...mainly happiness, though...happiness spending time with my family (it gets no more important with me), seeing one of my favorite cousins marry the woman he loves, and of course spending one of the most memorable weeks of my life with christopher...amazed all over again that he was actually in my presence looking at me with those intense eyes of his...charming the hell out of my cousins. that boy is magic, I swear...I can't even think about him hard or I get distracted. I'm still writing about the entire trip.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself lately, in any case...if I didn't dislike so many things about myself I swear I'd be vain as hell.
the week and a half between cincinnati and denver (where I am presently, writing furiously as I have to leave for my niece's quincinera in about an hour...oh I already said I was in denver huh? mindlessness), was a blur of loneliness, aching, confusion, restlessness...the fourth of july was the only break in the monotony of work and sleep. bashir traveled from philly to accompany me to tara's house for a day of sweet and utterly deserved relaxation. I hoped he wouldn't try to rekindle anything romantic, and he didn't...so it was peace...I decided not to busy myself wondering what his intentions were. tara made macaroni salad, fried some chicken, and had all the pina colada mix a bunch of alcoholics could ever want...I brought coconut rum and vanilla vodka to speed things along. it was such a hot day, but a nice one...slight breeze, a little overcast...tara and her girlfriend made us feel so welcome, and I get along really well with her sister and her daughter...we spent the better part of the humid evening sitting on the front porch talking, getting tipsy, watching what little fireworks the neighborhood kids were setting off, and getting ate up by mosquitos...it made me want a house, or maybe a brownstone...somewhere I can have my own get-togethers and built my own life.
on the car ride home I rolled the window down all the way, leaned my head back, closed my eyes, and let myself become hypnotized by the wind whipping its way around my face and into my hair...in my nose...it was like it was forcing me to breathe deep...it damn near put me to sleep. now I see why babies always fall asleep during car rides...shit is relaxing if you want it to be...
it was way to late for bashir to make the two hour ride home, so he crashed on my couch...I knew christopher wouldn't dig that, but he had nowhere else to go. we both probably slept like zombies until a chunk of my kitchen ceiling fell the next morning...I am so used to my apartment falling apart that I got up, glanced at the chunks of muddy plaster that had landed in my sink, and promptly took my ass back to sleep for another hour.
throughout the afternoon, as I somewhat diligently finished up work I should've completed before the holiday, bashir played my x-box and wrote poetry about me. he really is a great writer, just like his father...it actually hurts me to know I hurt him by not returning his feelings. I really am nice. I'm not even tryin to big myself up. but perhaps being nice is the wrong way to go about this shit, especially if it means his holding on to some false hope that I will return his feelings.
which leads me to traj...still missing his presence...but not to a disastrous degree like before. it helps to stay busy...and to know he's making moves out there...although struggling himself...moving faster than everyone around him and constantly having to wait for them to catch up. I wish I felt comfortable enough to share certain things with him...namely about my trip to cincinnati and how I feel about christopher...but I don't want him to think I've replaced him or don't have love for him anymore when he one of my best friends. don't want him to feel I'm not on his side or that he's alone...everytime I think about our relationship, our friendship changing because of new romantic interests my chest gets all tight with tears...but I think we both know we have to see what else is out there. we blocked out the entire world for so long, all we knew was each other...it really is time to move on.
I have to get dressed now...it feels crazy to put on semi-formal wear at 11am. I wish I had more time. I wish I had a pulitzer prize worthy entry after being M.I.A. after nearly a month. I wish a lot of shit.