bad mood
as day comes and night falls/for the rest of our lives we'll miss y'all/and even though life must go on, we still mourn while wishin' y'all were home... - nas + quan, "just a moment"
christopher wallace...I can hardly believe it's been 8 years (+ two days as I'm late updating) since he was murdered...I remember listening to the radio while I was in the shower that morning he died...wondering why they were playing back-to-back biggie joints. it wasn't until I got back from class that I heard he'd passed away. I wonder for how many more years march 9th will continue to be his rememberance day in the urban community. not to diss, he was my favorite rapper at the time of his death and I wish he'd lived to make more music like most other hip-hop heads, but statistically he's "just" another fallen black man who died before he peaked due to black-on-black violence...I'm in a lot of ways more affected by the ones who don't get remembered every year or immortalized on t-shirts and tribute albums. not to get all preachy, I actually hate when heads complain about those who mourn celebrity deaths...I just wish desensitization didn't numb us so throughly to the fact that this shit still happens everyday in everyhood, usa.
both of my parents recently sent us care packages with girl scout cookies in them; I already killed the tagalongs and samoas from my mom since her package came first. the other two boxes are christopher's so I dare not even taste - these days the ravenousness is more mighty then common courtesy. there's garlic chicken in the fridge too - also his. I want it. but theres some midnight-maddness sale at his job and if he comes home at 2am and I've eaten his chinese food...well remember what I said last entry about the leading cause of death in pregnant women? exactly.
my mom also sent some baby clothes for beans and as much as I hate to admit it, little pastel colored shit is really cute...I guess I no longer long for black baby blankets. I like the pink and purple and sea green and embroidered bunnies and ducks. ain't no shame in my game at all.
today makes 36 weeks which, if you still remember your times tables (and I find that some n-words don't), is nine months. women are actually pregnant 40 weeks regularly, sometimes as many as 42 therefore that whole nine month thing isn't even accurate...a baby born at nine months is technically considered a premie, which was the case with me, born at 4 pounds 8.5 ounces. enlightening, no? so don't say you never learned anything here...if pregnancy was a category on jeopardy I'd be ken jennings in this bitch by now. what I don't really like about this pregnancy deal, besides the swollen extremities, loss of a waistline, nausea, constant fatigue, back pain, and inability to sleep on my stomach which was all I knew my entire life until maybe last october, is how some of the heads in my life have placed me on this wack pedastal. don't get me wrong, I like to be spoiled, I've never stopped anyone from doing so, its a life to which I am occassionally accustomed being cute and having a generous cipher and being one of very very few females in my family and all, but the shit gets taken a bit too far now, i.e. - "oh don't cuss, the BABY!" or "not so much salt, the BABY!" it bugs. yes, being pregnant is a beautiful, sometimes ethereal experience and you definitely have a physical and mental responsibility to more then just yourself...it's basically not possible to be selfish when someone is kicking you from the inside and dictating your urine schedule, however pregnant girls, high-risk ones aside, are not fragile angel cupcakes who need protection from the "evil ills" of the world. in actuality I feel stronger then I ever have in my life. I haven't ascended to this angelic, innocent, non-sexual, vanilla plane and any belief to the contrary, subonscious or conscious, is unrealistic and archaic. or even borderline insulting if you're like my father who won't even let me rant about a daily, random annoyance without implying it's hurting my child. like keeping it inside wouldn't.
and while I'm on a roll (you shoulda known from the beginning of this I was going to be bitching...in the future just known that any entry that begins with a soapbox tirade about the state of the negro in america will be a grumpy one) rude for no reason people equally annoy and anger me much like when pseudo-intellectual internet nerds spout off faux percentages to support why racism in today's world would be almost non-existant were it not for black people using it as an excuse or why feminism is to blame not only for the end of chivalry but for the so-called "misconception" that most cases of domestic violence are against women. I'm glad I have a life...cause if I spent all my time and derived all my life experience from the i-net I'd be hateful.
in bitter closing, and above diatribes aside (which I actually wrote a couple of days ago for the most part), I was in a good mood until a movie I wanted to really see got ruined for me cause some mad blogger (tell em why you mad, son!) wanted to randomly rant on his weblog. this is why I need to just see shit the second it comes out, cause some people just can't keep their fuckin mouth shut. let me expound upon this. I'm an artistic, renaissance individual who genuinely respects the craft of acting and moviemaking...I pretty much love everything about movies in general...I get emotionally involved in and genuinely feel growth from the great ones...I even find at least something to take away from the ones that are hot garbage. if you don't want me to pummel your very face in, don't ever ruin a movie for me and deny me the pleasure of experiencing it myself just cause you're feeling cunty. that shit is the pet peeviest.