ambition
guess what? all threadless t-shirts are on sale for only $10 but only for a few days...so I got a couple including dark side of the garden, flowers in the attic, and a fathom farewell. go buy a shirt or two using my streatteam link so I can get credits. this here website's traffic needs to be taken advantage of every now and then...fuck putting all this effort into shit that doesn't pay off for me. I touch on this affliction, for lack of a better word, farther down while discussing common's new video. you like how I'm giving previews for shit thats like right after the "read the rest" bump?
anyway back to the regular scheduled entry... [angst] like anyone cares these days. [/angst]
what's it like to be an expert at something?
I'm great at and/or very knowledgable about a few key things like art/graphic design, writing, hip hop, acting, being a sex kitten. I'm pretty good at a lot of shit too - being a mom thus far (I'm striving for greatness in this field but I just started), bartending (this is not just a fancy way of saying I'm pretty good at getting wasted, I actually have a license to intoxicate fools if you recall), organizing events, video games...I can dance, too. I'm interested enough in things to want to be great at or mad knowledgable in them - culinary shit, sneakers (adidas especially), sewing/knitting. then there's the piano, which I used to be prodigal at, but I lost due to lack of passion and forward thinking. but I'm not an expert or a specialist at anything and I just wanna know for even a day what that shit feels like...to have an interest I've taken the time to cultivate and learn more about and immerse myself within that I get recognized for. in a lot of ways, to counter my ambition perchance, I don't saturate myself in certain things like I should because I know I can't be the best at it, or it's too late for me to gather enough intel on the subject to be the best at it in this lifetime.
fuck I really need to get on my hustle...particularly when I see a new video like common's for "go" that looks like the art I been netfamous for for years - shimmery skinned black women + gradients + pixel streches...gorgeous video but c'mon, that whole new twist on the blaxploitation aesthetic is all me. fuck its annoying. I really gotta get on my g cause nothing stays fresh for long...well that pixel stretching effect is about as fresh as gorgonzola cheese but work with me. heads actually asked me if I art directed the video, which alerted me to its existance...I wish I had clout like that to pull a gig of that size...by myself, that is, cause at the nine-to-five its big dogs all day errrryday but I see no added monetary benefits of it. I'm tryin to register at the new school or nyu or pratt perhaps come the fall so I can take a motion graphics class...I'd like to have the know-how to create projects at that level so I can be more competitive. I'll try not to chalk it up to something else I can't be the best at until I actually learn. show and prove. as recognizable as my artwork has been all these years...at this point I should be doing it at a loftier level, no? I need to get my art gallery back online so you new school fools to the g that is huny don't sleep an shit.
*don't read the following paragraph at all if you don't want revenge of the sith spoilers...even though your dumb ass should know what happens anyway unless you live under a rock and know nothing of the basic star wars storyline...which is a pathetic example of pop culture ignorance...I mean c'mon...granted the first one came out before I was born but everyone knows what happens cause hellooo its a prequel*
christopher and I went to see star wars; blue looked after serena for us and we went out just me and him for the first time since she was born. I was expecting much more of a crowd, the likes of which we saw opening day for the spidermans or the matrixes, but it was only 5pm...not terribly crowded although there was a roped off waiting area to get in the theatre itself. I was disappointed by the utter lack of geekery, as well...not one geek walking around dressed as vader, no tape on any glasses, no fiberglass light sabers stuffed in any back pockets at all. I can't even say I was as hype as I thought I'd be, but I think it's cause I was dreading the death and destruction fated to come. I actually cried, man. it still bothers me, maybe because christopher and I liken ourselves to all famous, tragic couples - neo and trinity, bonnie and clyde, anakin and padme...but fuck, much less cornball with it then "hold me like you did by the lake on naboo"...much less hackneyed then the "nooooooooo!" vader emoted when the emperor told him padme was dead. I hated that cornballness, but moreso I hated seeing anakin turn against obi wan, I hated how obi wan had to fuck anakin's shit all up and chop off his limbs, I hated how anakin was in flames and tears, all limbless still clinging to misdirected hatred toward the kat that raised him. don't get me wrong, it was a dope movie, george lucas variety shitty dialogue notwithstanding, the effects were the butters...it just really played with my emotions...like I knew what was going to go down, the storyline is american pop culture mythology, yet still I prayed anakin would tell palpatine to kiss his ass. needless to say, my willing suspension of disbelief is serious. now all I can think of when I'm reminded of it is how messed up the fall of the jedi order was...what a waste. anakin slayed all his peoples, even the kids...all to save a broad who died anyway? wifey or not, man, you got hosed. and why padme go out like a punk? talkin about she'd "lost the will to live"...bitch you just had twins...I'ma need for you to man up. that movie depressed me, I can't even watch the incessant commercials without sighing...anakin knew he wasn't the jedi he should've been, he kept trying to do the right thing despise his destiny...what angst. I'm the biggest geek of them all for even getting emotionally involved. I did tell christopher that if he'd made me the offer anakin made padme when she arrived on lavaworld, about ruling the universe with him, I'd say fuck yea. it'd take me awhile to get over his killing of innocent children but love is love.
after the movie I dragged topher to the sanrio store to buy some stuffed bunny/dog thing for serena. I don't know what it is, exactly, but its adorable in a weird, anime, "you don't get it" sort of way. it cheered me up. and I bought a chococat keychain for blue, too. consider me converted although I might just be more fascinated with the idea that someone is really a millionaire off some shit they probably sketched on a napkin while they were waiting for their sake and spring rolls (yea, that was a stereotype no need to read it again). it'd be just my luck that beans won't even be into the ultragirly shit...I kinda think she's hardcore already, all her pink clothes aside...she's a new yorker, son. she's got my temperment according to blue...cause beans.don't.play. she doesn't cry so much as she barks orders in a baby language us lame ass adults are not dope enough to comprehend; she want her bottle when she want it, beware all those who dilly dally on the making of the muthafuckin formula.
I went back to work last week. it was deep to go back to pre-beans routine...I missed her during the day and wondered if she was missing me, too. I didn't get a whole lot done, not that there was a great deal for me to do anyway...and thank god for that because I wasn't mentally present most of the time; lost in exhuastion. a lot actually went down during my maternity hiatus including an entire upper management change and a major revamping of our biggest account. I missed all the juicy drama and hard work...but it balanced out because friday, while I was at a doctor's appointment, I missed a celebratory pizza, beer, and ice cream party too. it was a worthy trade...I got the okay from my doctor to "resume all sexual activity". yessir. "I missed you" sex is on the menu this week if my dude plays his cards right...I'm fully expecting candles and mixtapes and baby oil...I'm tryin to get my grown and sexy on in a way I haven't been able to since the end of last summer. actually we've never done any of that cliche' "makin lurve" shit...mostly its ripped undergarments and profanity and his hand around my neck...ya know, the way I like it. lemme just take this time to thank beans for sleeping in five hour blocks at night. I wonder how long it'll take before we can sort out having the good sex while our newborn sleeps in the next room. I feel fucked up even typing that shit but I'll get over it.
so memorial weekend comes to a close. it was typically uneventful save a visit from blue yesterday that started out as a quick visit to retrieve a notebook she left when she babysat but ended up 7 hours worth of chatty chick time. I waxed poetic about how I'm not gonna pretend to be a model citizen for my daughter at the risk of betraying her from the mistake-making me I am...I'm gonna at least attempt not to set her up for the utter betrayal I felt when I realized, in one swift stab, that my parents were capable of doing some really gutter shit...ya know like normal people. and we also duly covered first kisses, sex, and love. we also came to the sobering realization that by the time she met me I was well along in pregnancy and she totally missed the me that was worthy of the notoriousness. I can't be that anymore, but I do plan to take her to the golden lady one of these days so she can marvel in the stress reliever that is smacking ass (son...there was a time where I heard new songs at the club before I heard them on hot97...even now when I hear some new shit with a sick beat I wonder what a stripper would look like rock-rockin it.) we also plan to spend an evening perusing the city pretending to be british so we can use affected english accents all night. as it was, all her colloquialisms had rubbed off on me by the time she left, the most noteworthy being "wha happen'd?" thats blue's way of saying "huh?" for some reason she can't say "what?", "pardon me", or "¿que?", only "wha happen'd?" I couldn't stop doing it even after she left. all that being said (this is a sucky segue), I don't want to work tomorrow or do jack crap at all...I want to daydream of future exploits and frollic...I want my only worries to be fleeting in their weightlessness. but let's face it, I'm a grownup, I real one, all certified and trademarked...I have friends that are married, friends who have dr. before or esq. after their name, I'm tryin to get a 401k together...and I continue to get used to saying I'm a mother. surreal. I still get all proud of myself and feel a great sense of accomplishment when I pay my bills like..."haha yea look at that zero balance my nigga!" I thought that would've gone away by now. I have a parking ticket to pay off that I got with a rent a car during my baby shower weekend and as of now its $10 more then it was cause I keep pro-cras-ti-nat-ing. my floor needs sweeping and dishes need washing and laundry needs doing. I need to go to bed. I keep falling asleep and forgetting where I am.