alone
today when I was on the train going to manhattan I was sitting next to this little girl, probably about 9 or 10 years old...she looked like she could've been my daughter in another life...same complexion, same nose, same small almond eyes...when I saw her looking at me in my peripherals I turned to her and smiled, said hi...she smiled back and returned my greeting with all the exuberance little girls tend to have...and she even had my smile. she was a beautiful angel...I wanted to give her a hug. at one point she started to fall asleep and her head slumped over onto my shoulder...
biological clock status: TICK TOCK TICK TOCK. and to think I didn't even used to like the kiddies.
I'm very lonely at the moment...nobody is awake at this time of night/morning...well except my brother and he couldn't really talk to me for very long...protecting and serving the streets of DC presently takes priority over his little sister's loneliness...understandably. its just so quiet without traj here...I don't think I anticipated how much I'd miss him...I've cried every night since he left for georgia on sunday. I ache for his friendship, his presence, his laugh, his voice on the phone talking business with his soulphoniks crew during astronomically early morning hours. its like I can hardly take care of myself...I'm so used to him reminding me to eat and take my vitamins when I lose track of time sitting at the computer working 12 hours a day. everytime I look around the apartment and realize he's really gone I start sobbing like a bitch...I'm a real pathetic sight...I fall asleep with southpark episodes in my media playlist so the silence doesn't isolate and sucker punch me.
truth is, traj gets me in a lot of ways most other people don't......I know our break-up wasn't a mistake, the romance is gone, but I know our souls will roam the atmosphere together forever...as deep a statement as that is to make at an age where I have my entire life in front of me...and potentially more loves and losses. I'm just tired of having to apologize to other heads in my social life right now for not being able to return the feelings they have for me. its not that I'm not flattered by their affection; it makes me feel good actually...to be cared for like that...and its not like I'm not open to other possibilities. but I just feel empty, be it a phase I'm going through or not. christopher is the only person not sweating me to get all relationshipped up...and he's the one I'm the most into, go figure. this evening when I was in the toys r us in times square with james' mundane ass, riding the ferris wheel, surrounded by all those people, I realized I'm utterly alone. see...now I sound like lydia in beetlejuice...if I wasn't so miserable I'd start clowning myself, seriously. and don't worry, I won't be making plans to off myself; I'm too egotistical for that. it just frustrates me that it takes such dire circumstances to realize how much my best friend means to my life and how much I mean in return.
I'm real sad...did you get that? sad and overwhelmed... sitting here tired as hell but can't sleep...or maybe I just don't want to and I'm procrastinating...the night makes my solitude that much more paramount.
this is soooo dramatic...let me stop. listening to this new ginuwine album can't be helping...all this love dove shit...he has really grown on me as an artist...I think I'll sleep with this shit bumpin instead of cartoons.
I cannot wait to go on vacation with christopher in a couple of weeks...I need a scenery change desperately...I need new energy around me stat. I need something to look foward to...I feel heavy with so much stress and bullshit. cry me a river and goodnite.