all falls down
back to not being able to cry again...what is this? is this me? the over emotional crybaby all dry inside? I'm different now...it's so apparent...more of me is dead now, dust to dust.
I have the power...I always have...but I don't want this shit right now. it's as dark and rainy outside as ever...and its so appropriate...such a worthy canvas to how I feel inside my stomach. I'm just tired, yo...tired of living inside of a cocoon so beautiful the way it's decorated as to distract from how dirty it is inside...where I'm not supposed to look, apparently. relationships are fucking difficult...this is some shit my 12 year old ass didn't even begin to grasp the day my parents told me and my brother they were getting divorced. to me it was like "okay...good...no more fighting...but...yall are wack for not making it work". but I'm no longer a toys r us kid, with age and even one "failed" relationship, you realize love is never enough when its not packaged with truth and respect...minus a shiny red bow, realistically...which is okay. I'm not looking for fairy tales; they've never impressed me and I found myself rooting for the villain far too often (the queen in snow white was a gangsterly). but I do want something beautiful, made moreso by the imperfections we could've fixed together...leaving pretty scars...neatly healed. it kills me to think shit could be so good yet there was always something underneath the surface that sliced me open at night when my guard was down...nahmean? exposing me.
I don't like being lied to...this is what it comes down to... it's cliche' cause nobody actually digs being lied to...but I hate it more because I am on some miss cleo shit when someone is bullshitty and it nags me, makes me feel half crazy with premonition variety nightmares. I've lied and done wrong, this is true...and in retrospect I just wanted that shit swept under the proverbial rug as quick as possible so I could forget it ever happened...I had already tortured myself plenty, so I thought it was enough. I said a long time ago that I hold myself under a brighter beam of self-analysis then anyone else could. yet is it selfish of me now to feel an uncontrollable urge to make suffer someone I truly, insanely love? to me its like...I've done everything for you...kept up my beauty...hustled...made possible the unpossible...looked you in your pretty eyes and believed I saw candor and truth within them...and you still betrayed US. my forgiving soul, clouded and stopped up like clogged pores with stupid love was willing to believe it wouldn't happen again because the apology before was so passionate...I threw caution to the wind and watched it tear in the air. fearless. relenting. now, the same road traveled...shit just replays like dejavu like the passionate apology™ was nothing but a slightly lucid dream...I hear the same speech, same passionate apology™, same excuses...dig it...this is why I build walls...this is why trust becomes more of an alien concept daily with me. the anti-bitter bitch...cause I never have been that type...never have been the bitch with baggage...shit, if anything, my prior two relationships ended quite alright. never had enough reason to be the "fuck 'em all" type.
I am enough...I am the complete package. I am a dope motherfucker who has long since paid the price of my own imperfections. I cut so many heads off to be true and committed and not in any way distracted after my misstep especially...and it wasn't enough. that hurts. I am the "cool girlfriend"...which is probably a combination of me 1. knowing how it is to deal with females in romantic situations and 2. being the other woman more than once...the one that will watch the playoffs and not bitch and even get into the shit cause hey I like basketball too...the one that likes strip clubs and points out bangin females on the street...the one who never has a headache when you want it...the one who is multi-talented and faceted and cultured and has been running a business since the age of 22 and makes good money but still clumsy and a bit ditzy enough to make you feel like "the man"...the one who loved you enough to introduce you to my family a.k.a. my MOST prized possession. me. you gonna choose anything else over this right here? nigga.
all goes back to not being in control. seemingly doing everything right. I said I wasn't gonna be an extra mile going muhfucka anymore, though, didn't I? at the time I thought it was just some ish I typed out of frustration but it was a premonition. you can't let someone disrespect you, son you even, and let them think, even subonciously, that it's okay...which is what continuing to forgive someone does when they do the same shit over and over. it could drive you insane to keep hoping maybe "this time" they'll stand by their words, to continue to renew trust...it's really some boy who cried wolf shit. that boy got fucked up in the end...wolf's dinner an shit...cause he wanted to play games with folk emotions, yo. haha...I used to feel sorry for him too...used to hate that story...I hated fables more then fairy tales...now I think it's funny. bet he was sorry he didn't just stop when he said he would when his guts were getting ripped out...like, ya know?
I feel nothing but anger. and as anger is, in my opinion, the most unreasonable of emotions (though, in some cases, the one full of the most clarity), I'ma wait for it to subside a bit...and see what lays beyond the steam. I have happier shit to write about like my mom's wedding and seeing my fam but I'ma wait a day or two so I don't tinge it with what I feel right now.
check it...I will not be made a fool of ever again, take this shit as gospel, children.