19 days
so here has been my 2005 thus far, in other words the past 19 days: already missed a couple days work due to back pain...like I could hardly walk type of shit. I sure as hell can't sleep. even sitting in a chair sucks...couple that with third trimester exhaustion making me lazy (why you think this layout is still up) and trigger happy (oops did I delete your comment? it was in all caps...so I didn't even read past the first few words...retarded groupie slore) and that about sums up my attitude as of late. not to mention, I already wrote most of this entry yesterday but apparently a microwave and a george foreman grill were too much for our pathetic bitchmade circuits to take...which is some fuckin bullshit...because the one time I don't save something on my computer obsessively is when I will surely lose it reseting circuits in my dumb ass apartment.
christopher got a nice sized check for working so much over the holidays, so he wanted to go shopping saturday before last after he got off work. we made a run through H&M, which was a bit too pharrel-ish for him, I figure...but he did buy a striped button down shirt which only a dude with a certain swagger could get away with and still come off 100% hetero (think pink...it really doesn't work for everybody...but the boy just got it like that apparently). I wanted to quickly stop through victoria's secret for some lotion because vicky's lotion smells wonderful like twat nectar from african goddess in heaven, but I immediately got accosted by a very persistent sales lady who wouldn't take "I'm not buying forty dollar panties right now, I'm pregnant" for an answer. she showed me a $128 nightie with ruffles on it. $128. do you know how far that much would go in H&M's lingerie department? it was really cute, but never ever that...not while I've got beans in my belly anyway...not when I'm trying to save money for tummy cream and lamaze classes and a serta mattress. I finally got away from her when richer looking broads walked in.
this past saturday evening I spent with monte, a friend I graduated from HU with who was in town for the weekend, his friend eric, and frenchie. because she'd done two shows that day and had two more to do sunday, frenchie couldn't kick it for long, but it was nice to see her and her gigantic tatas. we met in a bar/lounge next to the nederlander theatre, so the rest of the rent cast was there too looking tré more-bohemian-than-thou, as would I if I were actually getting paid to be in a broadway show. after she caught a cab home, monte, eric, and I sat down for a late dinner in times square and had an intellectually stimulating conversation about my impeding parenthood, the slightly-increasing weight of mortality as we move away from the college years, how cute and charmingly gay as a christmas tree our waiter was, and realistic ambitions versus pipe dreams. we got our grown folk on, basically...and by the time the bread was broke and the drinks were finished, the three of us were quiet in self-analyzation.
when I got home late that night topher was asleep on the couch waiting for me...and I just felt so relieved to have someone who loves me in such an increasingly non-complicated sort of way there to greet me...and kiss me and kiss my stomach and grin his sexy sleepy grin. nobody understands how much I love him and the way he wants me to succeed more then he wants it for himself and how he totally dominates my fears until they cower in dark corners where they have no power. monday night I went to bed before he did, which is rare in the grand scope of things but regular since he seeded me, yet I couldn't get to sleep if my life depended on it. periodically I have these fears about becoming a parent that petrify me, like I won't be able to find a balance between successfully raising a child and still being me...and like I told topher, I like me very much, I'm not ready to let me go, and I don't wanna lose what I spent twenty some years getting comfortable with to be a good mom. I mean by that it shouldn't have to be one or the other...even if a lot of what I did "before" was pretty shallow...partaking of the hydro, apple martinis, tantalizing cute boys and girls, short skirts, swimming pools, movie stars. eh, I can never say I didn't live it up but I just don't know if I'm ready to let some of that go completely...I don't wanna lose the part of me topher thinks is the life of the party, or the part he's fascinated with...the me that makes him go all crazy protective and ravenous when we're sexin. he said although there's a part of us both that has to die now, it doesn't mean what's born from it won't be much better anyway...and he assured me that although he's still finding a way to harmoniously see me as both the mother of his child and his sex slave he still fantasizes about me...and shit will fall into place as it should cause we're in love and meant to be, and this was the direction we wanted to go anyway. we just thought it'd be a year or two later. so I feel okay about it today...time is just going so damn fast. the past 5 days beans has been three times more active then s/he ever was before...the kicks are no longer just butterflies in my stomach, my kid is on some mike tyson shit now. right hooks to my bladder an shit.
ya know what I've noticed most of all about the progression of my writing...I went from being an angry militant bitch worthy of this domain name to someone who really doesn't get into too many issues outside of my own these days. one would think I'd become more vain. one would be correct, sir. I don't really care too much, if I wanna talk about current events thats what my messageboard is for...because jah knows I am just as opinionated as ever...and that I take almost as much joy in being right about my perception of social ills as I did before. I've been setting new creative goals for myself...or in some cases renewing the ones I'd forgotten about or discarded, i.e. showing my physical artwork in a gallery somewhere with soft lights and candles, chicken wings and merlot, a dj playing everything from billie holiday to tejano, jimi hendrix to nas, and nerd to prince, and a young, multicultural a-through-d list crowd with credit cards in hand to buy my shit and hang it on their east village/harlem/bx/bk walls...and I'm thinking about learning how to sew too. I've never known how, never really had to urge until lately...my mom used to make my halloween costumes and I'd have the best ones cause they weren't store bought like everyone else's...I'd like to be able to do that for beans. but moreso, I want to start making panties and bras...that idea just kinda came to me when I was in victoria's secret as aforementioned. I love couture underthings, corsets, agent provocateur and la perla...I want to design my own line. first step is learning how to sew though. maybe I'll take a class? I've been thinking about going back to school anyway to take film and art classes...christopher needs to go to school, too, so maybe it's something we can do together. my mom didn't get her bachelor's until after I was born, so in that respect I'm ahead...although now she has a master's too...overachiever is as an overachiever does.
I want a baked potatoe.
I'm tired of writing now.